Rant: I Hate Your Band's Name

By Mack Rawden 2008-01-15 12:58:23
Dude, what should we name our band?
I donít know, but it needs to be at least three words and contain some punctuation marks.
Good call, bro! What about ĎDoes It Offend You, Yeah?í
Oh, thatís badass!

What the fuck, bands of my generation? What the fuck? Popular musical nomenclature has gone from goofy to god awful, and worst of all, no one seems to be noticing. Well, Iím putting my foot down. Iím sick and tired of full sentence band names. Itís not cheeky, itís not creative. Itís cumbersome, cumbersome and dumb.

Remember the good old days? That ancient period of blissful monikers where we rocked out to pseudonyms like Styx, Twisted Sister, and Poison. Wasnít that fun? Call me crazy, but I actually, enjoyed band names that couldnít be easily converted into Haikus. Free: now, that was an alias. One syllable. Thatís all they needed. But nowadays, theyíd be jailed for excessive clarity, taken in for too thorough an abridgement.

Do you really want to support a group of guys who chose to name themselves ...And Youíll Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead? What about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah? When a DJ says, ďThis next song is by From Autumn To Ashesí, do you think, ďHey, I could get on board with that?Ē I certainly donít. In fact, I mentally curse everyone involved and change the station. Itís what common sense would want.

Iím certainly not implying previous generations didnít have their own douche bag band names, but those groups were called out for their idiotic phraseology at every turn. Even Strawberry Alarm Clock, a poorly christened 60s band, described an object. It wasnít an idiotic statement. Yeah, Iím looking at you, Boys Like Girls and Give Up The Ghost.

Iím certainly not advocating !!! switching to a pronounceable moniker or From First To Last donning a new, non-prepositional phrase title. This rant is geared towards the next generation of bands, the middle schoolers and high schoolers taking their first guitar lesson. Put some thought into your band name, and for Godís sake, pick one that doesnít sound like it was stolen from William Carlos Williamsí The Red Wheelbarrow.

Hereís a short list of band names I came up with that no one should ever use. Notice how none of them are as ridiculous as Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

By The Transient Property
Honk If You Like Noise
A Confederacy Of Badonkadonk
Robot Fellatio
Queefer Sutherland
Bros Before Clothes
Princess Dyed In A Car Crash
Holla Back Goiter
Balderdash For The Border
Khufu And The Looted Korpses
Box And Whiskey Graph
Apple Juice Or Hard Genocider?
Once, Twice, Three Times Alladin
Alfred Lord Tendenitis
Blackbeardís Beard
The Apathetic Extension Cords
Faint Curry Smell
Maya AngeLou Diamond Phillips
Light-Skinned Black Guys And The Societal Benefits
John Wayne Macyís Day Parade
Laguna Beached Whale
What Do You Mean Youíre Late?
Jesus And The Jack-A-Lopes
Topanga Got Fat
The General Malaise

That was actually fun. Post any goofy band names you come up with below.
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