Rant: Universal Now Censoring Music

An Open Letter To Universal Music Group:

To Whom It May Concern:

You don’t know me, but I’m the music editor at Cinema Blend. More importantly, though, I am a music fan residing in the United States of America. It has recently come to my attention that you’ve removed three tracks from Be Your Own Pet’s new album Get Awkward because of gratuitous violent imagery. As the son of two God-fearing parents currently residing in the Bible Belt, I’d like to personally thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s rare, especially in this heathen reincarnation of Sodom we currently reside in, that companies are willing to take firm action against the plague of pestilence and immorality engulfing this formerly great nation, founded by Puritans and Quakers. We must hide the children from evil!

In 1985, my personal hero, Tipper Gore (God bless her), founded the single most important organization since the Second Continental Congress, the PMRC or Parents Music Resource Center. Often times, I’ve stayed up late at night, crying out to God and asking him why action couldn’t have been taken quicker. When my uncle was sixteen years old, he was exposed to Rock N Roll music for the first time. That night, embroiled in sin and trapped in a heinous den of debauchery, he consumed alcohol, drank from the devil’s keg of corruption. That sweet boy has never been the same. He even engages in the occasional use of profanity now. I wonder where his ears first heard that filth! We must hide the children from evil!

But the world has changed. The United States is a scary place. Record label warnings are no longer enough. My neighbor’s cousin’s niece told her that sometimes local compact disc establishments don’t even card children when they buy Rock N Roll music. Plus, I’ve heard some of these rabble-rousing teenagers even pay money to local drug dealers for fake identification cards, which let them fool people into selling them cigarettes, alcohol, and even that heavy metal music. They just grow up so fast nowadays. We must hide the children from evil!

Only by censoring this pagan noise will America truly be safe again. It’s a proven fact that when children are exposed to harmful messages, they will curse their parents and revolt, choosing to live under the cover of demonic forces than in the light–with Jesus Christ, our beloved savior. I, for one, choose to bask in his light and pray every single day my future children will join me! But how are they supposed to make the right choice when they’re exposed to the sinful fruits of Rock N Roll music? We must hide the children from evil!

I’ve heard some people are criticizing your decision because you’ve released uncensored forty-fives from Eminem and 50 Cent in the past. They’ve even called you a hypocrite! Typical Satanic lies! These undesirables just want you to feel bad for doing what’s right. Who cares if your company claims to give artists the right to create any music they chose? If said music is based in drug abuse and using our Lord’s name in vain, it’s only sensible that you would make them re-record or just remove those poisonous tracks from the compact disc. We must hide the children from evil!

I’m so sick of godless atheists hiding behind the First Amendment, easily the most ill-conceived article in the Bill of Rights. God bless you for standing up to that sinful piece of paper! Jehovah is probably sick in heaven right now, vomiting over the filth the dredges of society put out, hiding behind a well-intentioned but foolish idea. Your charge against violence and profanity is the first of many steps needed to right this country and bring it back to moralistic vision our founders wanted. We Must hide the children from evil!

In Christ,

Mack Rawden

P.S. Universal is dead to me. How can you faux-pastors sleep at night, knowing you’re pushing your Bible-driven morals onto an entire society? You’re the same record company who released Marilyn Manson and 50 Cent for Christ sake! Is it because Be Your Own Pet isn’t as famous? They’re not allowed to produce whatever music they’d like, but Eminem can spew as much hatred as he wants? I hope your record company collapses and everyone responsible for this decision kills themselves. Don’t worry. You won’t be condemned to eternal damnation because Jesus isn’t the Son of God and all the preachy, human-nature denying bullshit in the Bible is a giant crock of shit–just like censoring art in the name of protecting the fragile minds of children.