Rant: What Happened To Music Just Being Okay?

By Mack Rawden: 2008-11-29 00:25:50

Has anyone else noticed how polarized opinions on music have become? Not that I’m pointing the finger here, I tend to oversimplify my view points a lot, but I never get any emails that say things like, “You said Aerosmith is wildly overrated, but I feel as if they are only semi-overrated.” The wishy-washy opinion has become a thing of the past. But why? Why have C’s disappeared from our lexicon? In theory, shouldn’t the vast majority of music automatically be classified as average? Let’s evaluate a totally random band using a scientific formula I will invent and tinker with to prove my point. Now, I need help with a sample representative band who could possibly be considered mediocre. Yes, you in the AFI shirt. The Beatles? No, that doesn’t work. Someone else. Five For Fighting? Perfect. “Superman” was a nice little song; that’s worth a few points. The lead singer put on a few charity concerts after 9/11. He’ll get a thumbs up for that. Gold star for referencing hockey in the band name. Okay, let’s take the tangent of that and subdivide it by the logarithm of ninety-six cubed. Ahh…just as I thought: meh.

So, what the hell happened? What is it about music specifically that lends itself to so much obsession and so much hatred? I have a slew of theories. Let’s get our Miss Marple on and un-conundrum-ify this quagmire.

Theory Number 1) Music Fans Are Elitist Pricks: To quote Seth Rogan’s character from Freaks And Geeks, “No! I haven’t heard that song, but I can guarantee it sucks.” The majority of extremely knowledgeable music fans tend to avoid pop radio stations like KISS-FM as if they were all coughing bird flu through the speakers. I understand. God forbid I hear Katy Perry another nine times tonight, but this boundless hatred for both the radio and MTV has produced a culture of Chinese telephone in-fucking. Sophisticated listeners tend to only hear new music when it’s exposed to them by friends who’s musical opinion they value. Therefore, they are already predisposed to loving it, while distrusting other new music they encounter at bars or in movies. Plus, a percentage of music fans automatically start hating anything others like. If you don’t believe me, go to Lollapalooza next year and ask someone in an Obama shirt who they’ve come to see. The horrifying eye roll you get back when you say (insert band most people have heard of) could kill Jesus.

Theory Number 2) Music Fans Are Clueless Sheep: Have you ever asked someone what kind of music they like, only to hear, “I’m like obsessed with that new Beyonce song”, which answers nothing but how developmentally disabled the speaker is. Not many people seem to like or actually care about music. They just use it as a conduit for background noise or getting random ass. In keeping with this blind ignorance, their opinions tend to boil down to either I love it, which means they remember hearing it or I hate it, which means they’ve never heard it or have subconsciously linked it with a traumatic event, as in it was on when the pregnancy test came back positive or a Cosmo issue was accidentally stepped on.

Theory Number 3) Text Messaging: Scientists are working around the clock, but as of yet, you can’t Caps Lock a number of statements without looking like a dumbass. Lord knows, people still try, though. Still, here are a few statements you will never see texted: OMG!! RIO BY DURAN DURAN IS ON THE RADIO. I LIKE HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF A LIL BETTER!!!!! THE BLACK CROWES HAD THEIR MOMENTS BUT DON’T REALLY STANDUP AMONG ROCK LEGENDS!!!!! or my favorite, LOU BEGA PRBLY DESERVED 1 MORE HIT!!!1111. I’ve found chat speak is behind most of the world’s problems (economic crisis included).

I don’t think this article really solved anything. To paraphrase Tennyson, maybe ours isn’t to ask why but to do and die. Whatever. Next time, though, before you immediately spew vindictive prose, think about whether you really despise Garbage or just think they’re okay.

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