Rant: When Did The World Get So Unoriginal?

By Mack Rawden 2008-07-28 18:48:38
Hey, bro. Let痴 go to the bars tonight, maybe hit on some girls, pound beers, and listen to over-played pop music which society has told us to like.

When did the world get so fucking unoriginal?

So, I知 guzzling SoCo and lime shots at a local bar on Saturday when the deejay, a complete bozo with a shit-eating grin and an Abercrombie polo, announces he値l be taking requests. Goddamnit, I say to no one in particular, grimacing as I realize the free Democratic vote has given us James Buchanan, Taylor Hicks, and laws against medical marijuana. Soon I知 berated with the same four pop songs no hard-drinking adult will ever be able to escape: 典hriller, 鏑ivin On A Prayer, 釘uild Me Up Buttercup, and 的ce Ice Baby. Don稚 get me wrong. I have nothing against those bazillion sellers, except 鏑ivin On A Prayer which is the shittiest song ever released by the shittiest band ever to sell a million records (including Great White), but I知 sick and tired of hearing them.

How did this happen? At what point did fifty million eighteen to twenty-nine year old alcoholics all get inseminated with an insatiable lusting for a mediocre Michael Jackson track? Naturally, I have a wild conspiracy theory lacking both plausibility and evidence.

I suspect there may have been a surreptitious get together around two thousand involving Carson Daly, J.K. Rowling, Dane Cook, and every other miserable asshole who has devoted his life to unleashing mediocrity upon this once proud home of Thomas Jefferson, John Lennon, and Andy Warhol, and this little meet-and-greet ended with all involved unanimously agreeing on a generic list of retro pop songs which every middle of the road wigger, hillbilly, slut, buffoon, bozo, johnny-come-lately, johnny-come-early, tramp, greaser, scallywag, and sorositute could derive an average amount of pleasure from hearing during the early morning hours post-Y2K, in this, the foul decade of our L. Ron Hubbard.

Scoff if you want, but I知 yet to hear anyone adequately explain how an entire generation suddenly decided those four cheeky melodies were above reproach. I initially suspected this epidemic on par with syphilis may have sprung out of man痴 intense yearning for nostalgia while inebriated. This would, after all, make sense; so, I tried a little experiment. I asked the deejay to play 鏑ola by The Kinks. His response? I don稚 play that poppy shit. What about 典hriller? Totally different. That痴 a classic. Ohh. My mistake. I must have missed that handout lauding Vanilla Ice and giving the finger to Ray Davies.

Look: I like disposable pop music. A lot. Duran Duran, Modern English, The Monkees, Hanson, Christina Aguilera, Enrique Iglesias, The Temptations, Gloria Gaynor, I値l get tipsy and belt out the lyrics. I知 not the guy asking for The Velvet Underground at Cheers. I壇 much rather listen to The Foundations than Tupac. I love the fact deejays throw in tracks from yesteryear but for God痴 sake, change up the fucking songs. There痴 just no reason to play 的ce Ice Baby more than once a month. I will give anyone a writing job right now who can plausibly explain to me why 鏑ivin On A Prayer deserves more airplay than Winger痴 鉄eventeen. Anyone? That痴 what I thought.
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