Rant: XM Radio Is Home To God-Awful Music

The idea of universally accessible music and I have never been on good terms. I am deeply offended by the desire of chain stores to pipe non-offensive music over the heads of their clientele; major radio stations’ endeavor to play only the most popular music for their popular-culture listeners is highly unpopular with me.

When I recently started a new office job, I was stoked, therefore, to find out the boss liked to pipe XM Radio into the work environment. Goodbye top 40 bonehead hits, farewell adult contemporary bile. Hello good, non-corporate-approved, independent bands that have the talent to gain radio play, yet have the integrity not to appeal to as many people as possible. Hello fresh, interesting, good music. Right?

Nope. My foray into XM radio has lead me to believe that 1) XM Radio is like the front lawn at a frat party, where most of the people you see are the losers who aren’t allowed in the house, and 2) most non-corporate-approved, independent bands are independent because they’re really, really bad. The only distinguishing characteristic of XM Radio bands is they suck so much they aren’t allowed on real radio. Hello, disappointment.

But unlike Puddle of Mudd, my angst isn’t listlessly aimed at everything. Some of the XM music my office imbibes is good, fresh, and interesting. Some of those DJs actually do find good music to share with us. In fact, there are really only a handful of stations on XM radio that are, more or less, the direct source of my frustration. But they are so. Very. Frustrating.

Take the “Shitty Cover” station. Their mission in radio is to play well-known songs by well-loved artists, performed by other bands horrendously and without forethought or consideration. Vampire Weekend is there, repping their version of Radiohead’s “Exit Music For A Film” as they stomp on their equipment and channel Mark McGrath. By recording that one (the vocal track was definitely done in the shower), they’ve taken a hot piss all over Radiohead, and it’s not a statement. Meanwhile, Clem Snide is covering Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” in the style of a self-conscious, anti-folk Ben Folds, trying to create a special, soulful moment for tepid white people who watch Everybody Loves Raymond. My ear hairs grow longer every time it plays.

If you can’t stand that, turn it to the “Shitty Remix” station, where you can hear Holy Fuck throw a drunken drum track over Radiohead’s “Nude,” making sure to extend the “oooh” part until it’s thoroughly dead. Or maybe you’ll stumble upon the strip-club pop version of Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box” – in fact, take your pick of any one of your favorite rock songs, add an obnoxious club beat and you’ve got the idea. Do the people who do this also shave mohawks into kittens and draw pubes on memorial statues?

And if you’ve had your fill of musical vandalism and want to release some aggression, the “Not-So-Believable Punk Rock” station will help you out – especially if you’re pissed off about your parents and you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna talk about it, x10 for each of 15 choruses. And if you like songs about drinkin’ brew and fightin’, then you’re totally stoked, bra. Let’s shotgun another Natty Lite, try to peek into the upstairs windows and take a leak in the neighbor’s bushes. Tight!


RELATED: puddle of mudd, vampire weekend, radiohead, mark mcgrath, clem snide, christina aguilera, ben folds, holy fuck, nirvana

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