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Since I’ve yet to manage enough stamina to defeat overwhelming anxiety at the thought of converting 300 CDs to MP3 format or burning nearly 10 days worth of music onto an iPod, I had to change this headline a bit. Trust me I’ve even walked into an Apple store more than once – cold cash in hand – and still couldn’t bring myself to get the iPod.
Instead, Every once in a while I have this tendency of burning CDs with no more than 4 or 5 songs on them. Songs I haven’t heard in a while, but refreshingly discovered all over again. These aren’t just any songs. They are ones only I have the pleasure of hearing, merrily making my way around in my car, windows tightly shut, with a couple of fingers resting on the volume button in case I’m stopped at a light. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the ten worst(best) songs I’ve ever listened to -- completely alone.
10) Kris Kross’ Jump/House of Pain’s Jump Around: Though the latter is certainly more of a jukebox favorite, I admire both these groups for selling a song based on a singular motion that will always be simulated by every semi-intoxicated group of four or more. Also, I’m sure anyone who knew Kris Kross when they made their way onto airwaves in 1993 tried, at least once, to wear their clothes backwards. ‘Cause inside out is wiggity wiggity wiggity wack.
9) Rick James’ Superfreak: Play this on repeat a few times and you almost forget this is the same man who, ten years after this song was released, tied a woman up for six days in his basement forcing her to commit various sexual acts and burning her with a crack pipe during one of his week long coke binges.
8) Mariah Carey’s Fantasy: A Tom Tom Club sample, Ol’ Dirty Bastard and the Dragon Coaster are all I need for a good time. Fun Fact: this music video was shot in Rye Playland- the same amusement park where I spent a majority of my childhood summers.
7) Janet Jackson’s Miss You Much: You might not remember this song well, but I sure do – along with the entire dance sequence in this video! At six years old, I kept a VHS tape on hand to record then subsequently play it to death until I learned every hop skip and jump perfectly – with performances in my living room to boot. And in our new era of computers, I learned via YouTube I could still do them.
6) Destiny’s Child’s Bills, Bills, Bills: A song about the turning point in a relationship, the point when a sweet, reliable and romantic man becomes a trifilin’ - good for nothin’ type of brotha. Wasn’t this the only song that featured all four original members? You know, before Beyonce morphed into Queen Sheeba?
5) Snow’s Informer: Before Eminem, there was just one other white guy who semi-seriously tried to make black music. He made the most infamous song that no one in the world knows the lyrics to except Informer and Aleekee boom boom damn, whatever the hell that means. What it meant for Snow was 10 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 back in 1993, following a year in prison for assault. At least he had cred.
4) Gerardo’s Rico Suave: The tale of an unsatisfiable Spanglish womanizer wearing skintight pants, a bare chest under a leather jacket and greasy hair half covered in a bandana oozed everything that was sexy about 1991. Certified a one-hit wonder, at least Gerardo ended up making something of himself – as an A&R exec at Interscope he was responsible for signing Bubba Sparxxx. If that’s something.
3) Jordy’s Oh La La Baby: Believe me, you know this song. I didn’t recognize the name either when it was first bought up to me during one semi-conscious conversation last summer. But once it was found, the search was on for all things Jordy. So far it hasn’t left the confines of my YouTube favorites, but it wouldn’t leave yours either if you saw what this poor kid’s parents did to him at 4-years-old. Because of this however, I vouch that all hits, past and present, be sung by baby’s.
2) Britney Spears’ Toxic: I don’t give a crap what you’re thinking, everyone - and I mean everyone - loves this song. I always said Britney Spears could make songs with beats only she could dance to (See also: “I’m a Slave for You”), but you put this song on and trust me, people will move.
1) Backstreet Boys’ The Call: I went out to the local Bar & Grill for a burger one recent Thursday night. Little did I know it was karaoke night. Little did I know some baffoon was trying to sing this song. Low and behold, I discovered my companion knew the words better than said drunkard – and so did I. Later that week, we abruptly launched into our own secret accapella version, dancing included, in the confines of a room – where no other witnesses could testify.
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