Spears Does Toxic Anime

Let’s face it, we like Britney Spears as much as we like sex, and she knows it. Her problem is when we think of sex we think of boobs and butts in barely-there outfits romping around like Catholic schoolgirls. We do not think of pot-bellied trailer trash flopping around in lingerie like the dateless drunk girl at the after prom party. Ms. Spears made girls wear low-rise jeans and gave guys a rise in theirs. Unfortunately for her, these days the tranny at the end of the bar is more likely to get our juices going after two more shots of tequila than any pantyless picture of her. But at least it seems like she knows it.

Her latest music video, “Break the Ice,” is a remake of “Toxic,” except, since the only ones who care to see her jiggling around in a see-through bodysuit are the paparazzi and beer-goggled frat guys, it’s anime. That’s right, America’s favorite train wreck since Anna Nicole Smith isn’t even in her own videos anymore. Not even she can stand to look at herself on MTV.

And you know what: the video isn’t even that good. The cartoon Britney looks closer to Alessandra Ambrosio than Britney. And the song is just more of her anxious, “I wish I was actually having sex” moans and a beat that girls in the club who have had one too many cranberry and vodkas will be hooting and hollering to.

I guess she’s figured out that at this point the only people who can stand her anymore are the media (yours truly), the Japanese (they love anything American), drunk girls, and a select group of stoners who watch anime because it’s “fucking trippy” and they smoked away their last chances at getting a real girlfriend. Since you, reader, probably fit into one of these categories, put down the pipe and Google the video. You don’t have anything better to do, and admit it, you’re getting a little tired of Spirited Away.