Spears Unable To Buy Back Soul

Britney Spears has dropped out of the race for the perfect pop star as word broke out this morning that the singer has lost a reported $61 million since February of last year.

The news of Spears’s financial ineptness comes in the midst of what many of her doe-eyed fans are calling her resurgence. However, it must be noted that a majority of those fans still believe Spears to be a virgin.

Spears’s campaign had already suffered setbacks after she lost custody of her kids and financial assets earlier this year. Lacking the veneer of familial and fiscal responsibility, Spears took to television to win back voters. Unfortunately, now it seems her cameo appearance on How I Met Your Mother was more of a last ditch effort to replenish funds than to regain voter confidence.

Spear’s camp is set to make an official announcement concerning the matter shortly. It can be expected that the announcement will go something like this: “Over the past year, Ms. Spears has endured great tragedy. She experienced the loss of her children, her fans, and her soul. She did her best to buy them all back, spending every penny her father would authorize. Unfortunately, it was not enough. Please tune in on May 10 to see Ms. Spears reprise her role on How I Met Your Mother; it may be your last chance to help a desperate woman.”