The Eagles Destroy Britney

The last five years have been an ungraceful swan dive for Britney Spears. The bloated and boozed-up singer has lost not only custody of her children but also the American public’s sympathy and what little artistic credibility she had left. It’s really no wonder she’s turned to doing coke lines off her own stomach for reassurance. She could probably use a little good news right now; unfortunately, I have the exact opposite.

According to The Los Angeles Times, Britney Spears’ new record Blackout only moved 290,000 copies. That’s less than half the sales figures for The Eagles’ new disc Long Road Out Of Eden. The kicker? Wal Mart was the only store stocking Don Henley’s new compact disc. We should probably all be feeling bad for the former Mrs. Federline right about now, but my tear ducts aren’t exactly welling up. Take a decade off, Britney. Go to rehab, go to fat camp, just go anywhere not named ‘The Public Eye.’