Thurston Moore Lends Voice To Straight Edge Culture

Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the Earth and over the creatures that move along the ground. So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them.’ And they multiplied, until man’s reach could properly tyrannize all he was given. Some years later, a small clique of men decided to become more like God. They were, of course, conjured up in his image; so, it all made logical sense. The men, later dubbing themselves straight edged, quit drinking, stopped smoking, and waited until marriage to have sexual relations. They also sneered at all those who took alternative paths, judgementally searing a Scarlet Letter on the debaucherous rogues. For only they knew the chosen course. And God saw that it was good and blessed his followers with nonsensical fucking haircuts.

Straight Edge culture is a thriving business, and the National Geographic is ready to capitalize. According to Pitchfork, the cable station has produced a documentary on the aforementioned douche bags, and Thurston Moore, the driving force behind Sonic Youth, has been tapped to narrate. The special will air all month, and this reporter advises all those intelligent enough not to be duped by hypocritical religious bullshit to tune in for a good laugh.