Timberlake Makes Reality Show, Ass of Self

Remember the good ol’ days? No, I’m not talking about the ‘50s, or high school, or your unemployed, binge-drinking days. I’m talking about a few short months ago, September in fact, when Justin Timberlake got on a stage at the VMAs and coldly, with a Clint Eastwood-blue steel in his eye, ripped MTV for producing too many reality shows instead of music videos. Or maybe that was a robot.

Because according to Music-News Thursday, the great trendy-programming detractor himself is producing – wait for it – a reality TV show. For MTV. And to add some extra flavor to that foot he’s got jammed in his mouth, the show isn’t even an original idea – it’s a copy of a show that already exists in Holland.

Following the well-travelled path of other reality shows such as The Bachelor, The Apprentice, The Starlet, The Shot, The Club, The Hills, The Contender and The Swan, This one will be titled The Phone, and will be a challenge-based show where two unsuspecting (wink) contestants will pick up two lost, ringing cell phones that will send them on an adventurous mission in a metropolitan setting, competing against each other for cash. Want to bet your forearm the random lucky ones will not be young, attractive, aspiring actors or actresses who seem much too willing to take on a spontaneous afternoon task, spouting canned-sounding one-liners at each clashing of minds? I didn’t think so.

However, not completely willing to give up on the fearless champion-turned-ridiculous hypocrite, I have one hopeful theory as to how this might have happened:

(Justin is in his home when the phone rings.)

“This is J-Tay, and you’ve reached the Par-tay. Whuz Hap’nin?”
“Mr. Timberlake, this is Sumner Redstone of Viacom.”
“Whoa … uh, hello sir, how can I help you?”
“Do you remember your little slip onstage last year? That wasn’t good for business, as I’m sure you understand. Well I’m hoping you can make up for it by helping us out a little.”
“Um … what did you have in mind?”
“We want you do produce something for us. A reality show.”
“Hell no, man. I stand strongly against the pollution of our music industry with irrelevant, mass-produced conglomerate crap.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is business. We have people who will be there to … make sure it gets done. If you know what I mean.”
“Is that a threat? You bring it, man. I don’t do noth—

(Car parked outside blows up)

“—thing….”
“We’ll be in touch, Mr. Timberlake.” (click)

Regardless of his motivations, I shed a salty tear for the fall of one more public figure who isn’t buying into the homogenizing engines of this insidious entertainment industry. Shame on you, Timberlake, I thought you were cool.