Top 10 Female Artists Who Could Kick Oasis’ Ass

By Peter Kimmich 2008-09-04 23:24:48
Bands, like other groups of friends, often engage in mild, pointless debates during their downtime. Oasis is no different. However, unlike other flippant, amateur bands, the affair is no laughing matter where they’re concerned. Their debates are etched into white crystal towers, there to enlighten the masses.

Or so it is according to Noel Gallagher, who as NME reported Wednesday, has presented the official list of top 10 bands of all time, per Oasis. The criteria are strict: Quoth the band’s blog, “This means the top 10 bands of all time. No solo artists allowed. No female artists allowed. No collectives allowed.”

Ok, so we’re talking about bands, not solo artists and collectives. Got it. But something is amiss … it seems for this to be a list of true bands, there will be absolutely no estrogen on it. So do these rules mean Blondie is not a band? What about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? I doubt Joan Jett and the Blackhearts would take this lightly.

With respect to the bands Oasis chose, which are indeed 10 of the best bands I can think of, here are the top 10 female artists who could paste Oasis. Yes, disheveled hard-asses who believe Noel and the gang to be above the Beatles…any of these female artists would blast Oasis off the stage, and it’s possible some of them would even last a few rounds in a bar. But for now, let’s keep this clean.

10. Kim Deal – She shared a tour bus with Black Francis for eight years, and despite that smile, the Pixies aren’t exactly the band to back your car into in a parking lot. “Gigantic” will give any of Oasis’ material a good thumping.

9. Fiona Apple – Think Oasis has soul because they grew up in the factory district? Apple recovered from her vicious rape at age 12 to become a shining musical phoenix. She’s no gladiator, but her whispers overpower Liam’s loudest scream.

8. Sharin Foo – As one half of the Raveonettes, this Danish dame's dark, moody melodies and smooth, sultry voice have a lot on the riff-stealing British boys. Straw blonde and dark eyeliner, or Beatles retread? Not a tough choice.

7. Shirley Manson – The unbalanced lead singer of Garbage is a brat of stature, and not one to play games with. Lyrically she seems to ache for pain, so it’s a good bet she’s not afraid of it. Care to challenge, guys?

6. Courtney Love – Besides the chance that she’ll run you over in her car without realizing it, Love is the last female I’d want to get into a bar fight with. And as rock and roll goes, she learned her stage scream from the best, no questions asked.

5. Karen O – This New York tigress’ might in proportion to her size is astounding, and she seems to have no sense of shame as she spits beer onto her audience and fellates microphones. Easily the more interesting stage show.

4. Janis Joplin – This ‘60s soul dreadnaught’s automatic disqualification is almost an insult to rock and roll, and there is nothing anyone could say that places her below a ‘90s pop band, no matter how well-known.

3. Joan Jett – She is here because she don’t give a damn about her bad reputation, unlike certain Vogue-posing band members.

2. Siouxsie Sioux – The queen of post-punk goth influenced heavyweights like the Cure and the Smiths, lending her and the Banshees far more credibility than someone claiming to be “the next Beatles.” Here is a reality check for anyone who still believes this.

1. Björk – This Icelandic singer is like no one else. Her live shows have been described with religious fervor, her voice cuts through the static like a diamond beacon, her strange songwriting expresses far more than pop ever can, and by the way, she assaults paparazzi on camera. Oasis? Get back in the pool.
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