Top 5 Candidates For Next Velvet Revolver Vocalist

By Glen Boyd 2008-08-14 03:26:36
It’s the single most burning question on the minds of concerned Americans today. So what am I referring to – McCain or Obama’s choices for a vice-presidential running mate? Nope. To quote what Grampy McCain himself might say, that’s small potatoes my friends. Rather, I’m talking about who will fill the rather large shoes left behind by Scott Weiland in Velvet Revolver.

The thing is, there would seem to be no shortage of candidates. Among those who have already been rumored and subsequently ruled out are Sebastian Bach, Spacehog’s Royston Langdon, and most recently (according to Rolling Stone), none other than Lenny Kravitz. In taking himself out of the running for the gig, Kravitz told Rolling Stone, “I know and love the Velvet Revolver guys but there is no truth to the story about me joining their band.” So much for that dream ticket.

So with Weiland now enjoying a second honeymoon with his reunited mates in Stone Temple Pilots, and Axl Rose busy putting the never-ending final touches on Chinese Democracy, Cinema Blend has reluctantly decided to help Slash and the boys out in their quest to find a new singer.

The way we see it, to fill the frontman slot in Velvet Revolver you need that swagger first and foremost. You also probably need to be old enough to have done your time in the rock and roll trenches, yet young enough to still have a healthy appreciation for good old fashioned debauchery and excess. That’s spelled booze, bongs, and babes for the musically uneducated. Here’s a few ideas we wouldn’t mind seeing:

1. Chris Cornell

The pluses with Cornell certainly outweigh the minuses. His rock and roll credentials are pretty much impeccable. He’s done his time as frontman for both Soundgarden and Audioslave, and is one of the few rock and roll guys his age who can not only sing his ass off, but still get away with doing a live show minus his shirt. The minuses here boil down to an irritating tendency between his time in good bands, to do boring solo albums with titles like “Chelsea Morning” (or whatever that god-awful record was called) where he remakes old Michael Jackson songs. Take away the acoustic guitar and get him behind a bunch of guys who still know how to rock though, and Cornell should fall right into line.

2. Kid Rock
This one actually isn’t as crazy as it sounds. With a quickie marriage and divorce to Pamela Anderson under his belt, we already know the Kid has got the babe magnet cred down cold. The side ventures into wigger hip-hop and cracker country could prove troublesome, but Kid Rock’s trailer park credentials are otherwise impeccable. However, like his pal Lenny Kravitz, Kid Rock is already enjoying success as a solo star. Unlike Lenny, he also still sells a lot of records.

3. Mark Farner
The former top dog for seventies rockers Grand Funk Railroad would have a lot of catching up to do, and his clean and sober Christian lifestyle could also prove to be an issue. The last time he toured with his former Grand Funk bandmates on the county fair circuit, Farner even changed the lyrics to one of the band’s concert standouts “Inside Looking Out,” eliminating all references to dope or nickel bags. The waist length stringy rock hair of his years in GFR has also given way to one of those eighties pro-wrestling mullet hairstyles. The upside? He sings, he plays guitar, and he’s available.

4. Ted Nugent
Ummm, never mind.

5. Dee Snider

With Quiet Riot’s Kevin Dubrow dead and gone, and Ratt's Stephen Pearcy being, well, Ratt's Stephen Pearcy, we figure Twisted Sister’s former frontman as just about the next best thing to cover the "hair-metal" angle. He'd need to invest in a new wig of course. But if you think about it, Snider’s also just about done it all – from ridiculous glam rock posturing, to rebellious youth anthems like “Were Not Gonna Take It,” to politicking for the right to use naughty words on your records in congress. Come to think of it, maybe Obama could use a guy like Dee.

Sorry, Slash.
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