Hey, hey, rock stars. It’s the second weekend of February, better known as a three day Hell on Earth featuring the worst, back-shelved movies and the always underwhelming Grammy Awards. Still, considering it’s probably the biggest music-related event of the year (sadly), I figured I should probably update all of you.

We’re about forty-five minutes in thus far, and if you’re not watching it, you pretty much only missed Amy Winehouse grab Best New Artist and Kanye West perform “Stronger” in quite possibly the coolest glasses I’ve ever seen. I’ll continue to update throughout the night as more winners are announced.

8:45: Kanye just got done with a dedication to his fallen mother, and Black Eyed Pea Fergie has taken the stage along with John Legend. She looks pretty classy, too bad she'll always be a meth addict with bladder-control problems to me.
8:55: Does anyone else hate Ringo? Seriously, get the fuck over yourself. We all know you were in the Beatles. What have you done for me lately? Actually, what have you done for me ever other than lending your husky vocal chords to 'Yellow Submarine'?
9:02: Good God! Cher still looks fierce. She came out to introduce Beyonce, and honestly, I'd rather make the former Mrs. Bono believe again than hear Beyonce say my name. Also, nice camel toe, Ms. Knowles. If I wanted to glimpse your lady parts, I'd just hide a camera in the study of every shady, two-bit rapper this side of the Prime Meridian.
9:06: Tina Turner is performing. She's wearing a skin-tight silver space outfit. Impressive cleavage for being 96, though.
9:20: Foo Fighters are taking the stage along with My Grammy Moment winner Emily Calhoun. Shocking, the superficial assholes at home picked the most attractive lady to win.
9:35: Kanye's back with his glasses. These bifocals are almost as outrageous as the M he has carved in his head. I'm pretty sure Ben Franklin just rolled over in his grave.
9:40: Damn, Aretha can still sing. Too bad she looks like the sphynx in her ugly yellow dress.
9:57: Feist just performed. Even if she goes on to sell 100 million albums, I'll always remember her for forcing iPods down my throat.
10:08: Stevie Wonder is out to celebrate Barry Gordy. Why didn't anyone tell him you shouldn't wear Leopard-print to a formal event?
10:40: Cuba Gooding Jr. sighting! It's nice to see he's doing something other than acting creepy in Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan.
10:43: How many crack pipes do you think Amy Winehouse could hide inside her beehive/ rat's nest haircut?
10:48: Wow, nice speech, Amy. Wino seemed a little confused for a few minutes there, but thankfully, she remembered to thank RAY RAY (whoever the hell that is)! 11:20: What the hell happened? One second Josh Groban was strutting his pretty ass on stage and the next Herbie Hancock was reading off thank yous from a sheet of paper. I either dozed off for a few minutes or my feed went bust-o.

Best New Artist: Amy Winehouse
Best Soundtrack: Love
Song Of The Year: "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
Best Rap Album: Graduation by Kanye West
Best Rock Album: Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace by Foo Fighters
Best Country Album: These Days by Vince Gill
Best Rap Collaberation: "Umbrella" by Jay-Z and Rihanna
Record Of The Year: Amy Winehouse
Album Of The Year: River: The Joni Letters by Herbie Hancock

Here's a list of awards given out before the show aired:
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals" Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)
Best Pop Vocal Album: Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance: Bruce Springsteen - Radio Nowhere
Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Best Hard Rock Performance: Foo Fighters - The Pretender
Best Rock Song: Bruce Springsteen - Radio Nowhere
Best Alternative Music Album: The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: Prince - Future Baby Mama
Best R&B Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: Chaka Khan Featuring Mary J. Blige - Disrespectful
Best R&B Song: Dirty Harry, Kerry Brothers & Alicia Keys, songwriters (Alicia Keys) - No One
Best R&B Album: Chaka Khan - Funk This
Best Contemporary R&B Album: Ne-Yo - Because Of You
Best Rap Solo Performance: Kanye West - Stronger
Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: Common featuring Kanye West - Southside.