Ashanti Inspires Vomit, Not Murder Spree

By Tim Peterson 2008-06-14 16:21:01
Breaking news: according to the Universal Crime Network, the District of Columbia State Police Investigative Support Unit (?) believe a recent string of violent attacks can be linked to Ashanti’s music video for “The Way That I Love You.” Detective John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop?) stated “officials were shocked to discover the message ‘Black children will die’ near the body and that investigators have named one Commercial Hip Hop as the prime suspect.” Apparently, the song’s violent lyrics and video inspired “Commercial Hip Hop” to exact revenge on a cheating lover…Puff Daddy?

This just in: the Universal Crime Network is a sham. Believe it or not, there is no District of Columbia State Police Investigative Support Unit, and John Kimble remains simply another mystery as to why Arnold Schwarzenegger remained famous after Terminator. It turns out the whole thing was simply a marketing ploy, albeit a disastrous one, to promote Ashanti’s video and give Ja Rule’s former backup singer some street cred. Unfortunately for Ashanti and those with regrettable taste in music, the advertising campaign has inspired a murder of its own: any hope of Ashanti ever being taken seriously as an artist. On the bright side, the cast of the upcoming Fox reality show “Disney’s Children: My How They’ve Grown” has grown with the former Polly star. Just waiting on you, Hillary Duff.
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