Women are the root of all evil. Their curves seductively inspire men to do stupid things like launch a thousand ships or throw down a couple hundred dollars they don’t have on extravagant dinners. They tease us, act selfishly, and even sleep with our friends on occasion, but goddamnit, if we don’t still spend hours and hours thinking up ways to make them smile. A beautiful woman may have been behind every war ever fought, but her delicate effervescence also manifests itself in every piece of art ever created. Seems like a fair tradeoff to me.

Francesco Petrarch wrote thousands of sonnets about a married woman. Eric Clapton penned a few about George Harrison’s wife. Gut-level feelings are just recycled. No one’s experienced a new sensation since The Giver gave Jonas a back rub. Man loves woman. She either loves him back, or she does not. Specific players are the only alterations to the world’s oldest story.

This got me thinking: who is the most desirable woman ever described in a song? Sometimes the feminine inspirations are meticulously dissected (see Train’s “Meet Virginia”), sometimes the lyricist only gives us hazy details about how awesome the chick is (see Tom Petty’s “American Girl”). One classification isn’t inherently more attractive than the other; it’s just all about making a wild, emotional guess about which one would fill out a little black dress better. That’s not even all there is to it, though. The Hollies’ “Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress” would seem to be the obvious winner by default, since the woman being serenaded is 5'9 and saunters about town in a little black dress, but there’s also a barrage of gunfire following her around. A past involving vindictive hitmen isn’t too high on my priorities list, but Allan Clarke didn’t seem to mind. To each his own, I guess. Let’s look at some of my favorite fictional women, not all of which get my pheromones firing...

The Woman: A Mythical Temptress
The Song: Tim Buckley’s Song To The Siren
I’ve always found myself irrationally attracted to the self-centered beauty in Tim Buckley’s “Song To The Siren.” That revelation probably reveals a lot about me, probably a lot about Jeff’s dad too. She sang: sail to me. Sail to me. Let me enfold you. Here I am. Here I am. Waiting to hold you. Unfortunately, the harlot never appeared and Tim crashed his sea-faring vessel into the rocks below. So, he sat–broken and bleeding against the tide, crying out Here I am, here I am, waiting to hold you. What is it about falling for women who you know will break your heart? Or in this case, use her seductive good looks to strand you, friendless on some godforsaken island? I’m still down.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? Yes. Well, I would try, but the mythical siren holds all of the power in this unrequited love story.

The Woman: A Buddy’s Significant Other
The Song: The Cars’ My Best Friend’s Girl
Information is a little scarce concerning this forbidden fruit, but we do know she’s currently: a) in a relationship b) enjoys dancing down the street c) has blue suede eyes d) is fond of dipping. The grass is always greener on the other side, and anything we can’t have is always infinitely more appealing. In 1972, Yankees pitcher Fritz Peterson found himself attracted to teammate and best friend Mike Kekich’s wife. After a few drinks, he jokingly ran the subject past Kekich. Strangely enough, Kekich had been ogling Peterson’s wife for the better part of a year, and the two flame throwers decided to swap everything. They traded wives, houses, children, and even the family dogs. Something tells me they both probably like The Cars.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her?: No. I’m a lot of things, but a life ruiner is not one of them. Plus, I’ve always been a bigger fan of Jessie’s Girl.

The Woman: A Meter Maid
The Song: The Beatles’ Lovely Rita
Quite honestly, I’m not too sure what Paul McCartney was thinking when he tried to woo this homely broad. He could have had nearly any woman in the world, and he chose one that look(ed) a little like a military man. Then again, he later married a raging bitch with one leg; so, I guess there’s no rhyme or reason to taste. Paul also tells us she looked much older than she really was (negative) and picked up the check at dinner (positive).
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her?: If it meant never getting another parking ticket, I’d engage in some unspeakable horrors.

The Woman: A Gyrating Tease
The Song: ABBA’s Dancing Queen
A club slut before the term was even invented, this seventeen year old floozy will shake her ass against anything warm. She’s looking out for another, anyone will do. She’s in the mood to dance. It’s not all sketchy, though. We’re also told this mamboing maiden is young, sweet and enjoys Rock Music, all things I endorse. Plus, women always sound much more appealing when being described by another attractive woman. If you don’t believe me, listen to “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her?: That would depend on age of consent laws and whether I had three condoms. No one’s worth syphilis (just ask Al Capone), and this Lolita has clearly been around the block.

The Woman: Clarence Carter’s Lady Friend
The Song: Clarence Carter’s Strokin’

Possibly the most ridiculous song ever recorded (outside of this one), we learn absolutely nothing about this able-bodied Aphrodite except when she gets sass-i-fied, she starts calling (his) name. She’d say: Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ohhhh shit, Clarence Carter. Still not sold? The mystery woman utters this gem during a separate encounter: Stroke it, Clarence Carter, but don’t stroke so fast. If my shit ain’t tight enough, you can stick it up my ass.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? No. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing I’d willing picked up this man’s sloppy seconds.

The Woman: A Seamstress
The Song: Elton John’s Tiny Dancer
With pretty eyes and a pirate smile, this perfect, pint-sized woman might be my dream girl. She laughs at Jesus freaks and enjoys counting the headlights on the highway, possibly playing Sex, that game where you hit the ceiling as fast as possible whenever a car only has one headlight to make other people remove clothing. She may be ready to marry a music man, but that’s sort of like a music critic, right?
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? Yes. I’d sell out every single one of my friends in epic, miserable ways to kiss her on the cheek just once.

The Woman: Linda Lou
The Song: Various
Some people call her Patty, others call her Linda Lou, but everyone lusts after her. Even the goddamn cats ogle her when she walks past in the Rolling Stones’ ode to this gorgeous girly. Lynyrd Skynyrd lead singer Ronnie Van Zandt danced with her, briefly, in “Gimme Three Steps” until her gun-wielding maniac of a boyfriend came in, pissed off and hell-bent on revenge. Who was this Second Amendment enthusiast? Mick Jagger? I guess it’s possible the Stones and Skynyrd were describing two different Linda Lou’s, but I prefer to think two of the most famous rock stars in the world were lusting after the same prize.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? Yes. I may not have been down with picking up Clarence Carter’s sloppy seconds, but anything good enough for both Ronnie Van Zandt and Mick Jagger is probably way out of my league.

The Woman: Lola
The Song: The Kinks’ Lola
Tall, dark, and handsome, Lola hugs like a wildebeest and has a fondness for champagne and dancing. Unfortunately, she also packs a penis and doesn’t see why this might be a problem for Ray Davies. She walks like a woman and talks like a man. Oh my Lola. Well, girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world except for Lola.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her?: No. I’m not above weaseling my way through the back entrance, but I’d like to know there’s at least a front door option.

The Woman: Mary Jane
The Song: Tom Petty’s Last Dance With Mary Jane
She grew up tall and she grew up right, with them Indiana boys on an Indiana night. A transient sort of girl, Mary Jane was birthed in the same state as me and got the hell out on her eighteenth birthday. She briefly encounters Tom Petty and tells him she’s down but has to keep moving on. At some point, she also stands around in her underwear and puts on a party dress.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? Who’s to say I haven’t? Alright fine. I haven’t, but if she ever saunters back to Indiana, I’m ready and waiting.

The Woman: Mrs. Johnson
The Song: Jeannie C. Riley’s Harper Valley PTA
A widowed wife, Mrs. Johnson has a daughter in middle school. She also doesn’t take shit from anyone, and after receiving a note accusing her of wearing her dresses too high, drinking and a-runnin' 'round with men and going wild, Mrs. Johnson puts on a mini skirt and gives a verbal middle finger to the entire PTA. Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you're all Harper Valley hypocrites. I love strong women.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her? I’d wife her.

The Woman: Mary
The Song: Jethro Tull’s Cross-Eyed Mary
The Robin Hood of Highgate, Mary steals money from her parents and shells it out to homeless people who sleep around her school. She also dines on expense accounted gruel, leading me to assume she may be emaciated and in a cranky mood due to hunger. Hell hath no fury like a calorie-deprived woman. Oh yeah, she’s also fucking cross-eyed and not old enough to drive. I’m not even sure which one of these facts is more of a deal breaker.
Knowing all of this, would I sleep with her?: No, but I might buy her ice cream and take her to see Hannah Montana.