Rant: My Thoughts On Blender

By Mack Rawden 2007-10-09 20:54:16
Like a cum stain on a wedding dress, Blender soils and tarnishes the entire music magazine rack. The pathetic and unnecessary monthly has the credibility of a strung out hooker and the integrity of a below-average frat at four A.M. on a Saturday. Every issue is chock-full of scandalous pictorials, ill-advised opinions, and way way too many lists. To say I despise the publication would be a colossal understatement paralleling Hoover’s casual dislike for Baby Face Nelson or John Lennon’s passive indifference to war.

I’d normally write this abomination off as a sad side-effect stemming from my generation’s need to soak up news in as few words as possible, but Blender.com has finally taken things too far. They’ve committed an unforgivable sin. No, this moral infidelity doesn’t involve dog fighting or even their “Who Will Die First? Spears Or Lohan” piece. They criticized Pet Sounds, Astral Weeks, and Imagine in the same article. Ohh the horror.

All this outrageous, hateful jargon and more can be found in their new list The 10 Most Overpraised Records Ever. I’m all for dissenting opinions and heated arguments, but the reasoning behind most of these choices is filled with holes that would make Tommy Chong’s brainstem blush.

About Pet Sounds, writer Larry Dobrow “quips”, ”Much has been made about Brian Wilson listening to the voices in his head when he devised the album’s lush harmonies and orchestration. But the Beach Boys were a lot more fun when he was listening to the voices in his pants on teen-horn-dog classics like “California Girls” and “I Get Around.”“

There’s enough ignorant material in the previous paragraph to rebuild the Great Wall Of China. Sure, we all like getting laid. That’s a fact. But a song about good times isn’t necessarily a good time. If you have any questions just put on “Summer Girls” by LFO. Every track on Pet Sounds is so far and away superior to “I Get Around” that it’s almost laughable. The “lush harmonies” Larry Dobrow is so quick to cast off were instrumental in inspiring The Beatles to produce Sgt Peppers and any listener with half a hearing aide can still marvel at their beautiful, intricate complexities. If Larry Dobrow can’t appreciate this than I’d suggest he put on Blink-182's Enema Of The State. They frequently conjure up the “voice in their pants” and rarely play anything that could be considered “lush.”

I’ll be the first to admit, my mouth spews vindictive assaults on a pretty regular basis, but bashing Lennon, Wilson, Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan, and The Rolling Stones without provocation is idiotic. Why not attack Citizen Kane because it’s not in color? Or maybe Super Mario Brothers because the graphics aren’t up to today’s standards? Just because you can find an insignificant or superficial fault with a piece of music doesn’t necessarily negate it’s genius. Someone should explain that to Blender.

If you care, here’s the nine other choices they arbitrarily decided to include...

The Bends
Never Mind The Bollocks
Exile On Main Street
I’ve Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
Imagine
Bone Machine
Since U Been Gone
Astral Weeks
Modern Times

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