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I’m so glad I’m not single. Want to know why? Because when you’re a single guy, that means you have Setty Smooth to compete against.
For anyone who hasn’t seen this video, let me comfort you by saying you’re better off in your ignorance. In fact, don’t watch this video if you’re already lacking in confidence, because you’ll only be crushed under your own inadequacies, you filthy scrubber.
Here’s the deal: Setty Smooth is, as far as I have seen, the smoothest hip-hop artist, and probably the smoothest man, in the entire world. I don’t mean pretentious, Hollywood smooth, i.e. P. Diddy “I’m a performer/producer/writer/arranger/clothing designer and Broadway actor” smooth. I mean subliminally, superhumanly smooth. Like Casanova, or Timberlake. You might call his brand of smoothness … The Smoothness.
Meet Setty Smooth, the latest blip on GQ’s radar and the current biggest threat to your masculinity. The self-produced rapper recently completed a series of videos called the Love Trilogy, wherein he showcases his witty wordplay and glassy-clean arrangements through a tale of tear-jerking romance – obviously never losing sight of his smooth mojo. The triple-barrage of smooth begins with “The Mac,” which you might assume is about macking – and you’re only partially right. Next is “Setty Smooth’s World,” the link I dared you to click above, where we see love blossom and observe Setty in his sharpest game. Finally, the story rounds out in “Going to Yoga,” where everything is thrown into question … not to give away too much.
Musically, the sound is big, glossy and, well, the opposite of rough. It combines lush instrumentation with nice female backup vocals and a laid-back, cheeky vibe, like something delivered straight from the Fresh Prince himself. It’s all created DIY, in Setty’s Los Angeles living room.
Setty’s smoothness doesn’t only pertain to music, though. In Setty’s world, The Smoothness is also demonstrated through personal style – as in the style of a dude who could sweep your girl up and out the door without you noticing anything.
So this is where you come in, reader: Can you be as smooth as Setty Smooth? To even stand a chance, you’ll need to seriously consider taking some measures. For example:
Get your own brand of cologne. Preferably named after yourself. Then, come up with a secret serum for it that involves dashing, descriptive traits you can’t actually mix together. Give it a cool logo.
Step up the personal hygiene. That means shave, bathe, and make yourself smell amazing. And you have to look cool while you’re doing it.
Prepare for your dates. Like, in advance. Did you think of candles? Wine? A pre-date pump-up? Damn, fool, she ain’t walking into a dairy barn.
Clean up the pad. Get a sick vacuum and make it look like your mother lives there. Respect to mom.
Learn some steps. You’re going to need more than pickup lines to match this level of sophistication. Learn how to properly polish a dance floor, and you might be getting somewhere. And don’t dance like a dumbass, either.
Don’t be afraid of the ‘L’ word. No, I don’t mean the TV show. You can be afraid of that. If you’re going to have The Smoothness, you can’t have a wicked agenda, which means you have to be open to the possibility of actual love. Or at least a strong infatuation.
Don’t overdress, douche. Ever see P-Diddy at an awards show? That’s probably how he dresses when he’s scrubbing his bathtub. Girls can smell when you’re trying too hard, so take it easy, Romeo.
Be willing to branch out. As was implied, Setty Smooth accompanied his girl to a yoga class, which is mad points in the smooth department. What will you do?
Just think of your lady. Like in Setty’s world, your lady should be your only priority. So get off Facebook, stop texting, and do what you need to do to make her yours. That’s how Setty Smooth rolls.
Check out Setty’s hip-hop arsenal at SettySmooth.com, or catch his channel at MyDamnChannel.com. Word.
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