KROQ-FM, LA’s top rock radio station, ruined my Cinco de Mayo. I damn near swallowed the lime when I heard the news: Metallica and the Raconteurs are playing Weenie Roast this year. I poured myself a double when I saw the rest of the lineup: Rise Against, Bad Religion, Pennywise, Flogging Molly. Then came the burning in my throat, the kick in the crotch for being stuck in New York this summer: the Offspring!

Yeah, the Offspring, the same band we all listened to while staring in the mirror, coaxing just one hair to sprout on our chin. The same band that penned the Dylanesque, “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” with the lyrics “Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis” that my pop still raps when counting anything. That same band will be at Weenie Roast, slamming through “The Kids Aren’t Alright” while Jack White tunes his guitar backstage.

For all you poor souls who have never lived where summer hides, Weenie Roast is KROQ’s annual summer kickoff barbecue featuring live bands, good food, hot girls, and a perfectly good reason to spend a Saturday. Every May KROQ craps out a list of bands that alleviate the guilt for those of us who weren’t able to make it to Coachella, making us feel like a starving man finding corn in his poop. This year you get to pick your poo May 17 while Dexter and Noodle count out how many kernels you find, “Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis!”