According to multiple sources, John D. Rockefeller like spending, production delays, and over-the-top marketing campaigns may have swollen Spider-Man 3’s budget to over five hundred million dollars. That’s more than one hundred times the loot of the Great Brinks Robbery. How could any studio fork over that much moolah? I realize that Spider-Man 2 duped audiences into forking over eight hundred million but still. What kind of return on your investment is that? Casinos give you a better percentage on a black jack.

Naturally, the open-pocketed production company is denying this. They’ve ballparked the figure at around two hundred and seventy million. Great! Nice effort, Columbia. Do you realize you could have bought practically the entire United States an item off Wendy’s dollar menu for that astronomical monetary figure? Selfish bastards.

So where did all the money go? Inconveniently, I don’t have the budget spread sheet in front of me, but here’s my best guess. They spent fifty million to pay Dunst, Maguire, Raimi, and everyone else. Then they raked-off twenty million for sets and twenty million for CGI effects. The marketing will probably cost around sixty million. And what’s left? Three hundred and fifty million bucks to throw a party of Motley Crue-like proportions with hookers, blow, and lots of Lil’ Jon pimp cups.

If all goes well, Spider-Man 3 will tank, taking with it whoever thought this was a good idea. But sadly, Americans will eat up the third Peter Parker chronicles, and Columbia executives will be hailed as visionaries. I know where I’ll be on May 4th…. buying seven baked potatoes and a double stack at Wendys for my ticket price. I can almost taste the ketchupy good decisions.