10 Movies For 2014 We Secretly Think Will Be Terrible

By Gabe Toro 2014-01-02 22:51:04discussion comments
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Blended
Worst Case Scenario: The most depressing thing about Adam Sandlerís nearly-20 year run of terrible starring vehicles is this very last stretch. In the beginning, Sandlerís youth allowed him to play a series of clown-boys that, on a surface level, were still potentially amusing creations. It feels like now that Sandlerís aged, heís fine just playing a series of faceless dads and suburban commoners, normal guys with a vague anger streak and the sort of luck that allows him to fall into bed with some of the most beautiful women in the world. Quick, go find a comedy nerd in 1996 and tell him that one day, Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock and a number of other comedy lifers would do a couple of movies together in their forties, and see their eyes light up. Now quick, crush that enthusiasm by telling them the characters mostly just hang out at a Costco. This latest film, Blended, is a commercially-naked travelogue of Africa that re-teams Sandler with good-spirited The Wedding Singer co-star Drew Barrymore. In this largely plotless stew, they fall in love while on vacation with their sitcom kids in a foreign land. And there seems to be no conflict whatsoever, which makes sense, since it would just distract from the inept slapstick, casual homophobia and typically-craven product placement in all Sandler films.

Best Case Scenario: Terry Crews is in this, so thereís guaranteed to be about three to five minutes of this movie that will make you smile. Why doesnít Terry Crews get more leading roles?

Release Date: May 23

Robocop
Worst Case Scenario: Can you believe they remade Robocop, one of the most perfect films ever made? And can you believe that itís PG-13?? Isnít this everything that anyone has ever fought against? Remaking the politically subversive hits of the seventies and eighties and making the subtext into text is akin to all those companies that slap Che Guevaraís face onto their products. The subtle joke of the original Robocop was that Robocop was a TERRIBLE idea, OCP taking advantage of the face of a dead cop by sacrificing his soul. People fell for Peter Wellerís Alex Murphy because he radiated a soul through the elaborate makeup and prop jobs, which only further complicated the hero worship of the plot and the insidious politics of the characters. In this new version, the trailer suggests that the new Robo is much more human-like, much more of a superhero, and he even gets balled out by his wife for becoming isolated from his kids. The original Robocop (and do you know how much it sucks to have to specify "the original Robocop" now?) is sadistic, funny and profane. The new film looks generically violent, deadly serious and, according to the MPAA, made for 13 year olds.

Best Case Scenario: Director Jose Padilha previously helmed the high-octane Elite Squad and Elite Squad: The Enemy Within, two seriously righteous action movies from Brazil with the sort of political nihilism that actually makes him a reasonable choice to direct a new Robocop. His films are largely about the futility of doing the right thing in a crooked system, and if that carries over to this film, then maybe weíre cooking with fire.

Release Date: February 12
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