After only a seven month reprieve, the series based on Stephanie Meyer’s inexplicably popular Twilight
books has returned with David Slade’s The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
. Twihards around the country have brought themselves to frenzy level excitement at the idea of seeing their beloved Edward and Jacob again, and it will likely result in a box office killing by the end of the week. But it really shouldn’t. There isn’t a single redeemable quality in this film and should rightly be ignored by the mass audience. While there are so many things wrong with this film and the franchise in general, here are the top five reasons why you should avoid the newest Twilight
film like a mouth-foaming raccoon.
Hitting Yourself In The Face With A Rock Is More Entertaining
The trailers for Eclipse
might trick you into thinking that this film won’t be like the others. “The first two films featured Bella and Edward staring in to each other’s eyes for two hours, but this one will be different! This one has vampires doing epic battle against werewolves
!" If you go into the theater with this in mind, you will not be walking out as the sheer boredom will cause a cerebral hemorrhage that the tweens surrounding you won’t recognize until the lights come back on. Yes, there is a battle in this film that pits vampires against werewolves. But you know what the audience gets to watch instead? Bella and Edward in a campsite miles away from the action getting updates from a giant telepathic dog. When the camera is finally brought back to the battlefield, crowds are treated to one of three rotating options: 1) Good vampire kills bad vampire. 2) Werewolf saves good vampire from bad vampire. 3) Good vampire saves werewolf from bad vampire. If you’re afraid this progression will get tired after a while, don’t sweat it. No battle scene lasts more than two minutes to allow greater focus on Bella and Edward discussing marriage in a tent.
There Is Enough Melodrama To Make A Soap Writer Blush
If the proceedings in Eclipse
are any indication of the way things really work in Forks, Washington, then the traditional way to deliver a point is to turn your back to the person you’re talking to and whisper it into the ether. There isn’t a lot of emotion in the world of Twilight
, but when it does come out the only thing comparable is the local high school’s drama club. Edward has spent the last two movies hiding things from Bella for her protection, so why is she still getting so irrationally upset when he continues to do it? Why would he have any motivation to change if you forgive and cuddle with him in the very next scene? And Jacob - how about you stop going into hysterics whenever Bella mentions that she wants to be with Edward instead of you, and stop saying idiotic lines like “I’ll be in love with you until your heart stops beating.” The girl wants to purposefully stop her heart to become a vampire and this is the romantic sentiment that you devise?
Bella Swan Is One Of The Worst Characters Of All Time
Head on down to your local Hot Topic and purchase all of the Twilight
cardboard cutouts they have available. Bring them to your room, line them up and stare at them for 124 minutes. Then fold them up and place them in your closet. Congratulations, you’ve just experienced the full breadth of character available in Eclipse
. Say what you will about the awful, empty performances by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, but I struggle to think of any heroine in the history of cinema flatter or duller than Isabella Swan. In a battle that could mean the difference between life and death for everyone she cares about, how is Bella able to contribute? She bleeds on something. And this doesn’t happen just once, but twice. It’s been talked about in every article about the franchise since 2008, but Eclipse
no longer hides its shame: the only purpose that Bella serves in this series is to get hurt.
The Series Continues To Be A Big Fuck You To Feminism
People have talked about it since the first film premiered, but the issue still remains in the third film: never has a film with such a large female fanbase been so anti-feminine. If the last section wasn’t enough of a clue, Bella is still a character completely dependent on the men in her life. One of the biggest plot lines is that Edward wants Bella to marry him, an offer she flatly refuses. So how does he change her mind? He dangles the carrot that is turning her into a vampire over her head until she says yes. How is this any different than a man telling a woman that she can have a new car if she sleeps with him? It’s the simplest form of manipulation but Bella is too dumb to see it. And what does she say when she does finally accept his proposal? “I want to tie myself to you in every way humanly possible.” Susan B. Anthony, eat your heart out.
Don’t Perpetuate The Machine
You know all those crappy “other” vampire movies that keep coming out in between Twilight
installments? They exist because you keep putting all your hard earned money towards these films. All you have to do is read this site on a semi-regular basis to understand that Hollywood is entirely devoid of ideas. All they have to go on is what they perceive to be popular, and as the Twilight
films keep growing, the more copies they are going to put into production. Why would a studio pay an independent filmmaker with new ideas money when they could purchase the rights to a crappy vampire romance novel and hire a hack to turn it into a script? If the mainstream audience doesn’t care about putting its money towards quality filmmaking, there’s no reason why they should bother making quality films.