There are a gazillion problems with New Moon, from the unintentionally hilarious shirtless werewolves to lines like "You're so warm. You're like your own sun," but the biggest issue is right at the center of the whole thing: Bella is a ridiculously boring main character. While all kinds of supernatural creatures fight around her, she cowers, and even when she's with one of the two guys she supposedly loves, she can only manage to stare intently at them or, once in a while, cry.

But unlike a lot of people, we're not ready to write her off entirely. In fact, we're convinced that just a short drive away from Forks, Washington, there are whole new worlds where Bella Swan could finally become the girl she's meant to be. She may think her friendships with werewolves and vampires are the most interesting thing about her, but we've got some FBI investigators, sexy doctors and indie auteurs to introduce her to, all well within the Pacific Northwest region. Take a look at the various futures we've envisioned for her.


The town of Twin Peaks, Washington is full of lots of pretty young girls, like the conniving Audrey Horne and the feisty waitress Shelly Johnson, but after what happened to Laura Palmer, Bella will have to be careful. Given that there's a new investigator in town with an assistant who never seems to show up, Bella could use her mind-reading abilities to give Dale Cooper a hand in his investigation, and also get in on some of that cherry pie he's always raving about (she was looking a little thin in New Moon). If nothing else, there's always a job for her at One-Eyed Jack's-- though I'm not sure Jacob or Edward would approve of that.



Sure, Bella hasn't graduated high school yet, but the hallways of Seattle Grace always seem to be filled with spunky young things who don't look old enough to hold a medical degree. Given how many times she's watched her boyfriend bare his fangs, or her BFF transform into a wolf, Bella should have no problem dealing with the crazy medical emergencies that spring up, and hey, we know she's not squeamish around blood. I see as the standoffish new arrival who doesn't quite click with everyone else, but once she realizes she can strike up a flirtation with that square-jawed doctor without worrying he'll bite her, she'll truly come into her own.


Bella has learned the hard way that nothing is impossible, so when this kid Mikey talks her into going on a treasure hunt in the nearby caverns, she won't hesitate to join in. She's no good at defending herself against supernatural creatures, but I think when put in league with some other human teenagers, she'll manage to summon up some guts and punch a few mobsters in the face. And maybe she picked up some of Edward's piano-playing skills, so when it comes time to play the tune that opens the secret door, she'll be way better at it than that ditz Andy.


Given her experience with a certain Native American wolfpack, Bella would likely have no interest in the faux-Native American mysticism Randolph is spewing and move right on to bonding with that awesome whale. Again, she's totally telepathic, which would make her valuable both as a whale trainer and as an accomplice in the climactic Free Willy heist. Though, then again, as one of her stunts in New Moon proves, she's not all that great a swimmer. Maybe she'd be better off watching those whales from a distance and getting into some other adventure in this no-name Pacific Northwest town.


Portland native van Sant has made any number of movies his hometown, so you can really take your pick of characters you'd like to introduce to Bella Swan. Matt Dillon's Drugstore Cowboy character could probably teach her a lot about resilience after she accidentally leaves a hat on the bed, while the kid in Paranoid Park could slap her out of her ennui, reminding she really doesn't have it that bad. Could she have met up with Last Days' Cobain-esque figure Blake and, using those vampire-wooing tactics, help him make music again? I think we all know the right answer here-- put Bella on the ranch from Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, and watch those repressed feelings run wild.

Bella isn't great about expressing her feelings to anyone else but Edward, but neither are any of the people in these movies, so she'd fit right in. After a few drinks at the "Dionysian" party at the beginning of Humpday, Bella might be one of the people egging Ben and Andrew to get it on. And if she'd been there with her bright red truck to meet Wendy in the drugstore parking lot, Bella might have joined her and Lucy on their journey-- she's good with dogs, after all.