I’ve had the same pair of swimming trunks for five years. During that time, no one has ever made a single comment about them. If someone did, I would probably say, “Yeah, blue is a pretty sweet color.” This is because I’m a man, and there are really only two types of swimsuits made for dudes. There are those stupid European underwear things and faux-shorts that look exactly like the ones I have. I’m not spending thirty dollars to replace something I already have in perfectly working order. Blue is a sweet color. I see no possible improvement. I’ve had five NOT bummer summers with them, and I look forward to having at least another five. Unless that stupid drawstring gets sucked into the hole and I can’t retrieve it, then I’ll have to waste another thirty dollars.
The thought of a woman keeping the same swimsuit for ten years is hilarious. There are easily hundreds, maybe thousands, of different swimsuit types made for women. I can’t tell the difference on the shelf. To me, they’re just divided up between one pieces, two pieces and those weird combo ones with the line of material down the front, but I know this is incorrect because a) my girlfriend tells me they’re all different and b) they actually alter how attractive girls look. I could try on thirty different swimsuits and people would still say, “That guy in the beard should lose fifteen pounds.” It’s not the same with women. Sometimes the difference between having the right swimsuit and one that doesn’t work can be the key to having a NOT bummer summer.
I suspect that’s why everyone likes talking about women’s swimsuits so much. Men ogle them, women fret over buying them, even gay dudes like making comments about them. Like heat exhaustion and increased Beach Boys airplay, bikinis and bikini-related discussion are imperative facets of summer. It’s just as true in Hollywood as anywhere else. Careers have been made and lost over swimsuits. Every year, the best and worst are dissected in tabloids, on television and amongst fans. Swimsuits are the key to having a NOT bummer summer. So, in honor of Judy Moody
, here’s Cinema Blend’s nine greatest perfect ten swimsuits ever captured on film…
Phoebe Cates in Fast Times At Ridgemont High
This simple red bikini turned Phoebe Cates into a household name and literally screwed up thousands of rental store VHS copies. So many patrons paused and/ or slow motioned her infamous scene that the tape stretched out, unintentionally extending all its glory. I can’t say as I blame them. With a clasp in the front for ease of opening, Cates’ summer attire has turned into the third most famous red suit of all time behind Farrah
Ursula Andress in Dr. No
may have eventually lost its greatest early Bond
film status to Goldfinger
, but Ursula Andress still remains the ideal all of James’ women are judged against. With wet hair and an intense look on her face, she emerged from the water in a tan two piece and walked onto the beach a legend. It’s all about the belt. She might look smoking hot, but she’s still there to do a job. She needs to collect those seashells. It’s imperative. That practicality sets her apart, and it’s probably why some genius over at Wikipedia
saw fit to include the above photograph under the subheading “Plot”. I like where your head is, sir.
Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot
Was she eighteen when this picture was taken? What are the rules on lusting after an underage woman when you were underage when you first saw her? Can you still appreciate it in retrospect? I say yes, and I know Michael “Squints” Palledorous would agree with me. Listen: there are a lot of other, hotter pictures of women in swimsuits out there. Some of them feature girls more attractive than Wendy Peffercorn, but it doesn’t matter. Any man who was a kid when he first saw The Sandlot
knows it doesn’t get any better than this vixen. Squints was banned from the pool for life after he pretended to drown to put the moves on this lifeguard. Absolutely, 100% worth it. NOT a bummer.
Bo Derek in 10
I wasn’t born when 10
came out. By the time I was competent and sexually aware enough to appreciate swimsuits, the film was no longer being casually discussed, but between the ages of 10 and 15, I distinctly remember hearing at least ten old men reference Bo Derek’s swimsuit. This was before the days of Google Image Search; so, my friends and I went out and rented it. Holy mother of God. I don’t even like corn rows, and I was ready to propose after seeing her scamper along the beach in that two piece. Now that’s a swimsuit people.
Princess Leia in Return Of The Jedi
Carrie Fisher’s outlandish bikini might not be the most functional two piece on this list, but it’s definitely the most talked about garment of clothing in the history of nerds. That Jabba the Hutt might not take care of himself very well, but he certainly knows what visiting members of his court might want to see. What the hell is this bikini even made out of? It looks like died garden snakes, scrap metal and red cloth. I’m surprised Mugatu didn’t put it in his fashion show. All of the swimsuits mentioned so far could actually be worn by real women to the beach. Not this one. It’s like an Easter bunny suit. It only comes out for special occasions (conventions) and home movies (soon to be in 3D).
Demi Moore In Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
I might be in the minority, but I actually think Demi’s swimsuit scene in Charlie’s Angels
gets less impressive as the years go on. Don’t get me wrong. She looks stunning in her black bikini, but the big fuss at the time was, “Oh my God! She’s forty and looks like that.” Well, now she’s forty-eight and looks exactly the same. She’s like Helen Mirren. Everyone freaked out because she was so hot at fifty. Fifteen years later, she’s still sexier than chicks 1/3 her age. It’ll be the same thing with Demi Moore. I hope they make Charlie’s Angels 3
in two years and put her in the same black bikini. Maybe the idea of watching her in a swimsuit for ten years isn’t really hysterical.
Stella in How Stella Got Her Groove Back
You know what a byproduct of getting that groove back was? More bikinis. No woman in the history of the world has ever lost her groove and then strutted in a new swimsuit. That is a groove-required activity. So, every time you watch that movie and see Stella in a bikini, know she’s full of groove at that juncture. Like the above picture where she’s being held by that ripped dude, definitely has her groove. Men love bikinis. Bikinis require groove. Therefore, men like the groove. Socrates would be proud of that deductive reasoning. I bet he loved swimsuits.
Lolita in Lolita
Unlike Wendy Peffercorn who may or may not be underage, Lolita is overtly underage. In the book she’s twelve and a half, but Kubrick raised her age to fourteen and cast Sue Lyon who could have passed for seventeen. With an outlandish hat and a gentle flick of the glasses, she, along with her red bikini, wooed Humber Humbert and sent Hollywood’s censorship arm into a frenzied, hands-on stomping out of faux-erotic material. It’s content may be tame by today’s standards, but it’s basic subject matter certainly is not. The director later said he probably never would have made the film in retrospect, but Lolita’s bikini still remains an iconic reminder that some women really are off limits.
Jessica Simpson in The Dukes Of Hazzard
For a long time, Jessica Simpson was third on the list of late 90s hot female pop stars. Britney Spears was the queen. Christina Aguilera was second in command, and Jessica Simpson was just sorta hanging out. Then Britney typhooned into bloated debauchery, Christina got a little too slutty for some people’s taste, and out of nowhere, Jessica Simpson suddenly became an acceptable option for the hottest celebrity. Curvy, ditzy and smiley, it all came together as she strutted in that pink two piece. Almost made the rest of the movie worth it…
Thought of a bodacious movie swimsuit we missed? Add it to the list using the comments section below.