We call ourselves Cinema Blend, which is supposed to mean we cover movies of all types from just about every angle. But there’s been one particular area which we’ve been turning a blind eye to… intentionally. No, I’m not talking about pornography. I’m talking about celebrities.

Here’s a sad story: People like reading about celebrities. I know, I don’t get it either. But they do. They’re the people powering your entertainment and the fight to forgive world debt. They make you laugh, they make you smile, and they adopt Vietnamese kids only to dump them off on a Nanny. In high school, they were drama dorks. You know, that group of weird looking kids that ranked only slightly lower on the social scale than band nerds. If you’d known one of them would grow up to be Julia Roberts, there’s a good chance you might have paid more attention.

So since a lot of you care about celebrities (even though a lot of us wish you didn’t), it’s only fair that we do at least a little something to give you your fill. Our name demands it after all. Hence the launching of this column, a place to blend in a little of the banal celebrity news that you all crave. Don’t expect the usual oohing and aahing over Brad and Jen. Instead, expect a lot of sarcasm and utter disdain. I’m sure this column isn’t going to win me any high-class celebrity friends.

It won’t all be negativity and celebrity gossip though. When planning this semi-weekly column the only way I could find to be comfortable doing it was to mix in plenty of the positive as well. This isn’t going to be a haven for Ambulance chasers, hopefully along with smart-ass comments about Jessica Alba’s love of bikinis we can blend in a few stories about some of the good things the people making your movies are doing. Maybe even a little actual heavier content, about what goes on behind the scenes in the industry of filmmaking. Alright, I can’t promise that last bit, but I’ll try for it. Hopefully somewhere in all of that I’ll stumble onto something at least a little different from the usual tabloid dreck.

So, with the above disclaimer in mind, join me won’t you in burying your self-respect and selling your soul to Cinema Blend’s Celebrity Stink.

Celebrity Stink

Angelina Jolie prepares to let herself go

The only story anyone cares about at the moment is the news that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s seed. Am I the only one that’s a little worried? Not about the combining of their genes, though maybe that too should be some cause for concern. What happens when you combine the two most beautiful people on the planet? Hopefully not a world-destroying super-hottie baby. That would be scary. Instead, I’m kind of worried about Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids.

Oh come on, you’re thinking it too. Where does this leave them? It’s not like she had much time for them before, they’re pretty screwed now. Will they get shoved out of the family in a squeeze play? Did she save the receipts? Don’t tell me she’s a good mother and will take care of them anyway. I’ve met good mothers, and they aren’t globe-trotting celebrities who hang out on movie sets banging Brad Pitt. Good mothering takes time and energy, and if you’re doing it properly at the end of the day there’s not enough left to hop on an airplane and spend a few weeks filming The Good Shepherd in the Dominican Republic.

Those kids were already in the middle of a fierce competition for her attention. Battling their way past super-sexy Brad was bad enough, but now with a blood-related addition into the mix they’re plain out of luck. When she’s not busy having crazy sex or collecting Hollywood paychecks, Angie’s going to spend her time with the kid that looks the most like her. The nanny can handle the other ones. It’s only natural.

You know, scratch that. I don’t really care about her kids. Being raised by a nanny is nothing new for the spawn of Hollywood superpowers. I’m not even sure that’s a bad thing. Seems a fair trade off for a life of luxury… and their childhood probably isn’t worse than mine or any of yours. Who among you didn’t have a childhood that sucked? Anyone who raised your hand… I hate you . What we all really need to be asking is where does this leave us?

I know, I know, with the addition of Brad Pitt our chances of landing Angelina were already pretty slim. At least when she was with Billy Bob Thornton there was hope. You look at Billy Bob and think “if that goofy redneck can get her, then I’ve got a chance!” Brad squashed those thoughts, but still, it was nice to have that little fantasy world where you keep hope alive. Everyone needs a happy place to go to relieve stress. For Happy Gilmore, that place involved stick-horse riding midgets and lemonade, for me it involves Angelina Jolie and I trapped in an elevator. With a mutually spawned child permanently tying her to the stinky Adonis, that happy place seems further away than ever.

Forget Angie’s adopted kids, they’ll be fine with all this. They’ll have the Pitt/Jolie fortune to comfort them. But what’s left to the rest of us, trapped alone in our cubicles, staring blankly at carpeted walls while our happy place vanishes? That’s it, it’s time for my old happy place to be retired. We’re rebuilding, re-tooling. I wonder if my happy place elevator can get Rachel McAdams? Hands off, I saw her first.

Nobody Wants to See That

Colin Ferrell’s long rumored sex tape was available on the internet for about five minutes the other day. His lawyers put a stop to that… which makes you wonder why neither Paris Hilton nor Pam Anderson was able to accomplish the same thing. Lends a little more credence to the idea that they secretly wanted those tapes out there all along. I’m buying it.

Thankfully though, Colin has put the kybosh on the release of his, saving all of us from fighting the temptation to click and watch. Nobody wants to see that, but it’s still hard to resist. The last thing I want to look at is a naked, strutting Colin Ferrell, but curiosity is a killer. If it was available, I probably would’ve clicked, and tonight he’d be haunting my dreams. That’s not a good thing.

The Greatest Wedding in the World

Jack Black is getting married, and the bride isn’t Kyle Gass. The real shocker here is that he’s even dating! He’s kept his girlfriend pretty well in the closet as far as the public eye is concerned. He’s marrying Tanya Haden, and she’s not some vapid Hollywood starlet. She’s an animator, and thus hopefully a woman of substance as opposed to say… Naomi Watts. Give Jack some respect for that. He’s dodged the starlet pitfall and gone after true love. Let’s hope she doesn’t break up the band.



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