Christina Aguilera’s Burlesque movie just got a whole lot less sexy. Variety reports that Cher, the sexiness equivalent of an alien transvestite, has been hired to play the manager of the neo-burlesque club Aguilera leaves small-town Iowa to strut in. The movie will involve a lot of singing in addition to skimpy clothing, since Aguilera’s character finds her on stage fame through her voice.

I’m really not sure which frightens me worse: The prospect of seeing Cher in a variety of burlesque friendly lingerie, or the thought that she might actually be allowed to sing. Oh please oh please don’t let her sing. Let her be the kind of burlesque club manager who spends all of her time in a darkened office, counting money in her muumuu.

The comments section below this story will now, inevitably, fill up with hordes of dubiously heterosexual men proudly proclaiming their attraction to Cherm and how I dare I say anything about her when I’m just some idiot blogger who doesn’t have even half her talent. Luckily it doesn’t take talent to know talent, and having no talent I am therefore well qualified to call her the singing equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster. So I dare. Oh yes, I dare. I guess this is better than having her play Catwoman, but at least Catwoman doesn’t sing the standards.