I would never want to overstate the importance of a documentary film, but, parents, if you don’t see Clueless, your children will fail out of high school, get pregnant or worse, continue sexting. Yes, for those of you out of the loop, sexting is the sending of explicitly sexual text messages, and this is apparently an epidemic, like AIDS, swine flu and dressing like a wigger, which certain bleeding hearts feel must be addressed through documentary film.

According to Variety, Clueless is being funded by Common Sense, a media watchdog group studying the effects the fourth estate has on impressionable children. How special. Set for a 2010 release, the movie follows a few adolescents and their parents, as the kids mature and I guess start being tricked by the media into sexting. How odorous.

Look: there’s a huge difference between being involved in your children’s lives and refusing to let them grow up. Being a teenager means making shitty decisions, involving yourself with idiotic sex partners and lying to your parents like it’s your job. I wouldn’t call it dangerous as much as I would healthy. Give your kid a curfew, find out where he’s going and make sure the school work is getting done---but beyond that, let him grow up.

Movies like Clueless don’t exist to actually change parent-child dynamics. They’re there to give absentee mothers a reason to worry and Hollywood a pillow to sleep at night. It’s like Cold Case Files, a program which I enjoy immensely. Cold Case Files pleases emotionally detached, reasonable people like me with its graphic talk of violence and convenient afternoon placement but scares the living hell out of idiot sheep parents who immediately start obsessing their daughters will be raped and hidden in the woods for two decades. Your daughter’s probably not going to be beheaded by a surly former hippy, but odds are, she’s sexting. With me. In the bedroom. With my lead pipe. My bad.

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