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For The Last Time: I Will Not See Star TrekBy Mack Rawden: 2007-10-18 00:49:03
Earlier tonight, I was flipping around the net and I stumbled upon a Movie Blog article entitled “Why The New Star Trek Must Ignore The Trekkies.” I’d normally ignore this type of world wide filth (mostly because Captain Kirk and his starship buddies are below me), but the text seems to be responding to my several days old letter. Unfortunately, I can’t tell with any certainty because they seem to loathe crediting sources. Thankfully, I was later informed of an earlier email correspondance with my Editor in which they confirmed their rebuttal's target: my Nobel Prize worthy article.
The Movie Blog writer begins by saying, “One of the most common chants coming out of the camp of current and existing Star Trek fan bases is “You have to please the fans”. It sounds nice. Power to the people and all that good stuff… but does it really make any sense? No. No it doesn’t. Saying the makers of the new Star Trek film should try to please Trekkies is sort of like saying a battered woman should go out of her way to make a nice dinner for her abusive husband.”. Really? I’m not sure how confrontational the Trekkies were at your high school, but the ones who went to class with me received nearly all the punishment. I don’t remember Spock fans pummeling defenseless jocks. I’m also not sure how they’ve gotten the “abusive” reputation. I vaguely remember something about millions of them attending Star Trek conventions every few months, but I guess I’ll chock that up to misinformation. You must be right. I guess they must have all abandoned ship, maybe through the escape pod, if the Voyager or whatever hell ship they’re on this week has one of those. Glad you cleared that up for me. The author goes on to rationalize, ”The new Star Trek franchise does indeed want existing “Trekkies” to get on board with them and drop their money to hit the movie theaters. HOWEVER, what they don’t want attached to the new movie is the stigma of being just another Star Trek movie… because Star Trek has never been more unpopular than it is now (even the most die hard of Trekkies will tell you so).” Unnecessary capitalization and ill-advised word choice aside, I completely agree that there is a “stigma” associated with this science-fiction fuck-up. I think I very eloquently explained in my earlier article that this “stigma” you refer to will never wash off. Some things never change. Jason Alexander will always be George Costanza. Yoko Ono will always be John Lennon’s bitch wife. And most of all, Star Trek will always be a giant cock-block. The general population doesn’t care if J.J. Abrams produces a sexier Sulu or an edgier Enterprise. It’s still Star Trek, and that is unforgivable. Like a true journalist, the writer continues his manifesto by pulling out some box office numbers. Apparently, the last film in the series, Nemesis, only made forty-three million dollars. You know why it failed to break the fifty million mark? Because it sucked ass. Star Trek fans didn’t even like that debacle. The piece closes by asserting, ”True Star Trek fans will be there to see the new movie regardless (for the most part… there will obviously be exceptions). The key here is not to appeal to those people… but rather the vast majority of other people… namely people who AREN’T already Star Trek fans… and to do that… they need to ditch the “Trekkie” image. I’m not saying that’s the way the world should be… but that’s the way it is.” It seems like the author is trying to assert that Star Trek fans are ignorant and willing to see anything branded with a deep space logo, but rather than risk Vulcanating (get it like alienating) the faithful Trekkies who read his site, he’s just hinting at how stupid he thinks they are. Well, like the Angel Of Death, I have no problem marking the door of each and every one of you sad loner Trekkies. After all, spotting a fellow fanatic isn’t exactly difficult. Like a desperate best friend with a crush on his closest girlfriend, you’ll slop twenty dollars on the table every time Captain Kirk comes a callin’ and I’ll fork over my hard-earned cash for endless straight to DVD wrestling disasters, no matter how poorly produced. It’s the casual fan, or borderline nerd, that Abrams should really be concerned with getting on board. There’s no point in trying to capture Superman’s audience. You can forget about attracting Spider-Man fans. Appeal to the next generation of pencil pushers. I’m all for attempts at increasing the fanbase, but targeting the general public is useless. There’s just too much negative imagery associated with the franchise. For the sake of this article, let’s say I was trying to revitalize Kim Jong Il’s shattered image. I’d probably take him out of the ill-fitting army attire and find him a cozy suit and tie. Next, I would surround him with new advisors and snap some pictures of him holding babies or playing Mah Jong against some elderly women. Then I’d bring him before a mass audience, possibly do the MTV Video Music Awards. Is anyone going to care that he’s a changed man? No. Because, at the end of the day, he’s a nuke-toting lunatic who once claimed he shot a thirteen during a nine hole round of golf. And that is unforgivable. Likewise, Star Trek has ruined millions of good times, mostly with terrible dialogue and bad ear make-up. You can church it up all you want. The nerdy history is still there. And that is unforgettable. So, for the second time in less than a week, I’ll type the following: I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t bother appealing to us, J.J. No one at the top lunch table is planning on paying to see this geeky Valhala. Appeal to your real fans. Advertise on the Sci Fi Network. Hang up movie posters in the nurse’s office. Spread the word through the Honors science classes. Embrace what you are: dweeb whacking material. We all have our vices.
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