What if Captain Ahab had been tracking down the white whale with two giant guns instead of a harpoon? And how about if the famous opening line of Moby Dick were changed from "Call me Ishmael," to "Who cares about me, let's watch a whale kick some sailor ass!"

It seems like these changes and many more are in store for Kazakh director Timur Bekmambetov's adaptation of Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Adam Cooper, who co-wrote the screenplay with Bill Collage, is telling Variety up front that "our vision isn’t your grandfather’s Moby Dick,". Yeah, I think the phrase "graphic novel-style version" tipped us off earlier in the article. Cooper continues, "This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story."

I realize I've been wildly inconsistent in my attitude toward remakes here, from conciliatory (why not remake Seven Samurai?) to violently opposed (remaking Rashomon will surely end the world). So one part of me thinks retelling the story of Moby Dick, which most of us know we're supposed to have read but so few of us have, might not be a bad plan. And another part dreads seeing the return of all the misanthropy and violence that characterized Bekmambetov's Wanted. Even if most of that violence is being carried out by a sadistic whale.