Disney has been planning to cash in on the 3D craze in a big way, by re-releasing their classic movies in the format, for awhile now. Luckily, so far they haven’t actually been able to get it to happen. The money-grab was supposed to start with a 3D re-release of Beauty and the Beast, but that’s been pushed back into oblivion. Now it seems they may be switching to cash-in mode on The Lion King.

We’ve known that Disney was working on this 3D conversion for awhile, but now we know when it’s coming and there’s a special trailer announcing it’s impending arrival. Expect the Lion King 3D Re-release in theaters this fall. Here’s the trailer:

The Lion King has always been, and remains, my favorite animated movie. Yes, I like it even more than Toy Story 3, and if you’ve read any of my lavish praise of that movie around these parts, that’s saying a lot. It’s a brilliant, moving, animated masterpiece. And when I watched that trailer and the words “In Breathtaking 3D” flashed up on screen, I got dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. It was like watching a trailer in which someone told me that later this fall they’re going to break into my house and murder my dog.

This is my dog. Why would anyone want to hurt her?

Here’s what’s good in this horrifying announcement: I really do want to see The Lion King in theaters again. Wait, that’s not good because I won’t be able to see that beautiful movie. Instead what I’ll be tricked into seeing is some dimly lit monstrosity crammed into the 3D format to sell overpriced tickets even though it was never intended to be in 3D and definitely doesn’t need to be in 3D at all.

Have you seen The Lion King? Did you see it the first time it was in theaters? I did. I saw it three times. It was fucking beautiful. This will not be beautiful. It’s hard enough to convert live action or computer generated movies into 3D when they’re intended to be in the format. What the fuck chance does this have of being any good at all? None. Absolutely none. It’s hand drawn animation! This is not going to work, except as a way to ruin everyone’s wonderful memories of just how stunning The Lion King was the first time we all saw it, back in the 90s, in glorious (now rapidly vanishing) 2D.

Look whether you think 3D is a good idea or not, there’s really no way to excuse converting older 2D films into the format. This is the same shit Hollywood tried to pull with Technicolor when they began callously colorizing black and white films. That was shit, everyone knew it was shit, and there’s a reason no one does that anymore. Those who don’t learn from their mistakes really are doomed to repeat them, I guess.

Scuse me while I cool down with a little Hakuna Matata.

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