This is pretty much the worst news ever for someone trying-- and struggling-- to make their career as a writer. An enterprising nine-year-old with some precocious ideas about romance went out and got himself a book deal, and now that book is going to be a movie. This kid is not yet old enough to go on a date.

His name is Alec Greven, and I hate him. Variety reports he started writing the book, How to Talk to Girls, as a class assignment in third grade, then sold the pamphlet for $3 at the school's book fair. There are four volumes, and the planned Fox movie will be based on all four.

This kid has been on Ellen. He has a movie deal. It's a good thing he's successful, I guess, since he's not old enough to start drinking to get over his failures. In fact, I think that's what I'm about to do to get this story out of my head. Yes, I realize it isn't noon yet. Leave me alone with my low self-esteem, OK?