Orlando Bloom, who once seemed well on his way to becoming the next Errol Flynn, has now become that guy who girls used to like and was in some stuff. Everything he’s tried outside the Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises has come to nothing and now, both of those franchises are moving on without him. He won’t be in The Hobbit and he won’t be in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Instead he’ll do another indie in which he’ll be the worst actor on screen. This time that indie is called The Good Doctor.

THR says the former Legolas has been hired to star in the film with Michael Pena, Troy Garity, Courtney Ford, Taraji P. Henson, Rob Morrow, and JK Simmons all in negotiations to co-star. It’s described as a Hitchcockian thriller, but of course no movie ever lives up to that label. So let’s just call it a thriller in which Bloom will play a frustrated doctor so desperate to have his ego stroked that when an 18-year-old patient fawns over him, he tampers with the treatment of her kidney infection to keep her in the hospital.

Pena fits in to the picture as an orderly who blackmails the doctor, Garity is Bloom’s M.D. rival, Ford is the 18-year-old girl, and JK Simmons is a newspaper editor who wants pictures of Spider-Man. Rob Morrow meanwhile, plays a doctor who moves to Alaska and must deal with the culture shock of being a New York Jew thrust into a rural environment. At least some of that isn’t true. It’s up to you to figure out which parts are wrong. It’s like a crossword puzzle! Fun!

As for Orlando, I barely bought him as a sword-fighting blacksmith I can’t imagine buying him as a doctor. The kid hasn’t seemed right since he took off his Legolas wig. Somebody give him a quiver full of arrows and a surfboard from which to fire them.