Smoking is quickly becoming the new cannibalism, a feat apparently so shocking and horrible that it inspires an almost angry response. Revealing a propensity for tobacco is put on par with burning the American flag or writing a thesis on how the Holocaust never happened (both of which I feel people have the right to do). It’s ridiculous. A few months ago, the MPAA agreed to start taking smoking into consideration when rating a film, and now Congress is ready to get involved.

According to Variety, Congressman Ed Markey (D-Mass) has recommended the following new rules but put into place:

1 Brandishing anti-smoking messages along with the previews on DVDs claiming that no one associated with the film accepted any money for placing tobacco on screen.

2 The removal of tobacco brand imagery from film.

You know what, I have a better idea. Let’s dig up Senator Joseph McCarthy’s rotting corpse and let him hold UnSmoking Activity Committee Hearings. Then we can call prominent actors and film makers in front of the American public and ask them if they smoke. If they do, we can blacklist them, effectively depriving our nation of visionaries because of private choices they make. That certainly worked the last time around.

Here’s what I don’t understand. John McClane isn’t allowed to smoke in Live Free Or Die Hard, but he can launch a car into a helicopter, killing untold amounts of people. Basically, we allow PG-13 movies to show actors harming other people with or without provocation, but if one of them dares pick up a cigarette, which only harms themselves, we throw a hissy fit. Well, why don’t we doom motorcycles to an R-Rating? Or Skydiving? Or Alcohol? I guess it’s just not convenient for lawmakers to jump on that bandwagon right now.

I am in no way advocating smoking to anyone, nor am I glorifying beloved characters taking a drag; however, I am saluting headline-grubbing Washington assholes with a big middle finger. This is not a Senatorial or House of Representatives issue. The perception of this country’s declining morality is none of the government’s damn business. I chain smoke in front of my little cousins every time I see them. Why don’t you raid my home with federal agents and censor my ghastly behavior from them? Oh yeah, because the law of averages tells you that at least one out of every five of your men would be smoking too.