You can see Ricky Gervais on television these days, as one of the minds behind the best travel show ever created, An Idiot Abroad. He describes it as the most expensive practical joke he’s ever pulled, and whatever it’s costing him, it’s totally worth it. But really, in a perfect world you’d be seeing even more of Ricky on TV, maybe even hosting the Oscars this weekend. Instead he’ll probably never host anything again, because we’ve been by told the entertainment media (the members of which for the most part make their entire living by sucking up to these people) he’s too mean for Hollywood’s classy culture of selfless givers.

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this year, and because he refused to bow to the high-powered talent gathered around him, he was legitimately hilarious. The Oscars, on the other hand, have gone a different direction in recent years. It started when they hired Hugh Jackman to host, and this year they’ve gone with Anne Hathaway and James Franco, in a move which they seem to think adds an air of legitimacy by getting away from all those dirty, mean comedians. Maybe it does add an air of class, but much as I love looking at Anne Hathaway, it’ll also probably make it more boring.

Luckily this Sunday while you’re enduring the never-ending Academy Awards ceremony you won’t have to wonder how much better it would have been if the Oscars had hired Ricky to host it. He’s answered that question by writing a monologue for Anne Hathaway and James Franco, which they would never, ever use. Here’s a few excerpts:

JF You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.

AH And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JF Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...

(Nervous laughter)

He's doing some charity work. YeAH, he's visiting orphans with cancer. He's telling them what bald little losers they are...

JF YeAH, cos he's rude right?

(Applause)

Thank you. No rudeness tonight. It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

(Applause)

That's not to say that we don't care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they'd been living off dead beetles all their lives.

AH YeAH and Yoko Ono said. "What's wrong with that?"

(Laughter)

JF Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

(Nodding and smiling)

That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

JF Anyway let's get this show on the road. There were some great kids' movies this year. I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

AH Did you enjoy it?

JF No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..."

(Laughter)

AH Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.

Read Ricky’s entire, theoretical Oscar monologue on his site,