Robert Downey's Sherlock Holmes Is Gay?
I guess we should have seen this coming. Outside of Judd Apatow movies (and maybe not even those anymore… I saw the way you looked into Adam Sandler’s eyes Seth Rogen) it’s no longer socially acceptable for men to have close relationships with other men unless they also have sex. That’s true even when it’s not. The world declared Sam and Frodo were gay, just because they helped each other up a mountain. So of course Sherlock Holmes has to bang Watson in the back of a carriage. I mean the guy does do a lot of cocaine and who wouldn’t get horny while pursuing a well-dressed villain like Professor Moriarty? OMG, he wears nice clothes! Looks like Moriarty is also gay.
It’s the New York Post who claims Guy Ritchie’s new Holmes movie turns the character into a man-grappler. As proof they offer a quote form Robert Downey Jr. in which he says, “We're two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass.” I shared a bed with a friend of mine last year, we were stuck in a cramped hotel room and it was either that or the floor. It was a queen size, we kept our pants on and we slept facing the outside of the bed, but I punched him in the arm before we went to bed so I guess we’re now boyfriends. Honey, we’re getting a divorce.
The biggest clue that this new Holmes and Watson are totally into taking their pants off and shaving each other down comes from Jude Law who says, “Guy wanted to make this about the relationship between Watson and Holmes. They're both mean and complicated.” They have a complicated relationship? I bet they even talk to each other. I mean ignore all the stuff in the trailer in which Holmes wanders through London hitting on women and pursuing Rachel McAdams as Irena Adler. That’s just a red herring. Could this movie be any gayer?
Really I don’t care if they’re gay, except it sounds like they’re not and the media (with a little help from promotion hungry stars) is yet again beating the gay guys drum to get lonely housewives excited about reading their various nonsensical publications. Dredging up fake gay controversy like this smacks of some sort of bizarre, hidden homophobia. It’s as if the Post expects its readers to respond by organizing a protest march. I mean if you’re going to make Holmes gay RDJ is probably the right guy to do it, he’s fantastic and complex (there’s that word again!) as a gay man in Wonder Boys for instance. Robert Downey Jr. playing interesting gay characters is awesome. But this isn’t that movie. Seriously people, men can stand in the same room together for more than five minutes without breaking out into an impromptu guys gone wild video. Let men be friends. Meanwhile, I’m going home to sleep with my wife.
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