There are only two movies coming out in wide release this week, but there is most definitely plenty to talk about here. A certain subset of our culture is getting Harry Potter/Star Wars fanboy/girl-style prepare to see Julian Gray get his freak on, and others will be recruited to join a Secret Service.

Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.

POSTER HERE, LINK IT TO PREVIEW PAGE
Fifty Shades of Grey
PREDICTION RATING HERE, LINK IT TO ROTTEN TOMATOES PAGE
Rotten Watch Prediction
If you want to see the definition of "polarizing," head on over the Amazon page for Fifty Shades of Grey and take a look at the reviews. With most user reviews of books you will see clusters of rankings in and around each other. Meaning if users gave the book mostly five stars, the next most popular rank for a book (typically) will be four stars. This makes sense – but it’s not the case with Fifty Shades of Grey. Not by a long shot. The mode in the reviews is five stars and it’s not close. But the next most popular score is one star. That paints a stark and telling picture. You either loved this book as one of the best books you’ve ever read, or you thought it was an epic piece of unreadable garbage. And there was very little in between. For some reason, I find this fascinating.

We’ll see if the movie version of Fifty Shades of Grey does any better.
Point of disclosure: I’ve never read Fifty Shades of Grey, so I can’t comment on the book itself (though Mrs. Rotten Week read the first ten pages before saying, "I felt like it was going to be an airport read, but turned out to be much worse."

But I suppose we aren’t here to talk about the book so much as the movie – and while mass audiences have been rather split, I still think professional reviews will skew towards the one star option almost without a doubt. To begin with, I’m not exactly sure what it’s about. I suppose just sex. And lots of it. By virtue, having sex in a movie doesn’t make it bad, but after the sex it really doesn’t appear to have any real story. Innocent girl falls for super rich, moderately depraved dude who wines and dines her, takes her gliding, removes his shirt a lot and then when things start to get comfortable between them, introduces her to his sweet S&M man cave. From there, I guess the relationship cycles down quickly (or ramps up depending on how you view that kind of thing).

Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson (Nowhere Boy (79%), Fifty Shades of Grey looks like it’s headed for the critical dumpster. While fans may enjoy the "action," it’s very tough to believe critics will have the same reaction. This is where I cue up the comments section responses with tidbits like, "Fuck the critics, I can’t wait to see it." That’s fine. I’m not here to judge fan reaction, just the critical feedback, and when 80% or so (my guess) of professional critics think it’s trash, it probably just is.

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