This Rotten Week: Predicting Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Movie 43 And Reviews
The winter movie season is picking up steam. (One thing I love about writing this column is I can always start off with the (fill in the blank) movie season and be somewhat correct. Just another reason movies are the gift that keeps giving.) This week we’ve got some kids hunting for witches, ensemble casts and Statham just kind of doing the same thing he always does.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
It’s a fairy tale resurgence! Man fairy tales are so f@#$ing hot right now. They’re like #Yolo and Instagram combined. With a perfect combination of dwindling creative expectations in Hollywood and having no obligation (I’m assuming) to pay royalty fees to the long dead Grimm brothers, modern revamping of fairy tales seems the way to go. We’ve already covered Snow White (Mirror, Mirror-50%, Snow White and the Huntsman-48%), Little Red Riding Hood (Red Riding Hood-11%), Beauty and the Beast (Beastly-20%), along with the upcoming Jack the Giant Slayer and television shows like Grimm and Once Upon a Time just delving into the genre as a whole. It’s an exciting time if you are the kind of dope that likes fairy tales.
In an effort to capitalize on this mindless rebranding of stories no one in modern society really cares about anymore I’m considering a couple of movie pitches for fairy tale movies. Tell me what you think:
Fairy tale (Possible working titles) - Quick plot points
Three Little Pigs (Wolf or A House of Brick) - Psycho killer on the loose, stalking three brothers, the last one a hardcore militia type who’s booby trapped his house to fend off the killer. Think R-rated Home Alone.
Goldilocks - (Just Right) - Young female thief hired to take down a mansion only to find herself wanting to become part of the somewhat dysfunctional family. In robbing the house she becomes “attached” to the family’s young child through pictures and diaries.
Puss in Boots (Puss’n Boots) - Porno flick
In this latest modern look at fairy tales Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton are the titular characters armed with an assortment of nifty, futuristically-retro weapons and on the hunt for the witches lurking in the woods around whatever small village they live. Directed by Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow-66%), the movie looks like it wants desperately to interweave comedy and action while “updating” a dated story. Frankly, it looks fairly dumb. Studios should go with one of my ideas instead. The Rotten Watch for Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is
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