This Rotten Week: Predicting The Legend of Hercules Reviews

If you live in the Northeast, you’ve already slipped five or six times on the skating rink that’s going on outside. What a mess. But have no fear, inside This Rotten Week, it’s warm, cozy and just the right temperature for predicting Tomatometer scores. Small slate this week with only Hercules’ legend getting a little treatment.

Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.

The Legend of Hercules

If I could be the son of any Greek God and Goddess, the choice would be tough, but I think I’ve narrowed in on the perfect marriage. If I’m really forced to choose I think having my father: Acratopotes (God of unmixed wine) and moms: Gymnastika (goddess of morning exercise) would look around perfect. It’s just the right mix of hard-partying and next day recovery that I’m seeking to balance my life. My name would be RollitBack-ules after my ability to just keep the party and good vibes going constantly.

Hercules? Boring. Just the son of Zeus (kind of balla) and some mortal (big step back). And if you are interested in his story, look somewhere else because this flick has all the makings of a visual effects-laden snoozefest. If the trailer is any indication, based on percentages alone, we can expect Hercules (Kellan Lutz) to speak for about 0.4% of the entire flick. I think he mutters something like 10 total words in the 2:30 minute trailer. The rest of the proceedings boil down to him staring, flexing, staring blankly, flexing harder, kissing a little, fighting slo-mo-speed-up-style, swinging various weapons around, going shirtless, staring, running, staring, flexing. You get the point.

Renny Harlin directs and his recent work doesn’t inspire a whole lot of confidence. Movies like Cleaner (17%), 12 Rounds (29%), and 5 Days of War (33%) dot his resume with traces of below-average filmmaking. His early career is interesting with Die Hard 2 (66%), The Long Kiss Goodnight (67%) and Cliffhanger (69%), but if you’ve checked any of these flicks lately you know they don’t come anywhere close to holding up over the long haul. Honestly, I was surprised about the Tomatometer scores on them. Way, way higher than I would have thought. This latest will do nothing to turn the critical reception piece of his career around. It looks bad. But hey, if you like your main character mute and angry, go for it. The Rotten Watch for The Legend of Hercules is 23%

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Recapping last week:

Only one movie from last time around with Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (Predicted: 26% Actual: 45%). Not many things shock me at this point, but man I can’t believe this prediction was off close to twenty percent on the positive end. If it had come in at say a 6%, I get it. But almost 50%? Shocking. Sean tried to help with his review, doling out one measly star and claiming it ..."scrapes the bottom of the franchise’s barrel…" He also adds, "shockingly stupid", "overused storytelling devices" to explain why this thing is a pile of trash. But other critics didn’t see it quite the same way, which pisses me off. Get it together, other critics! My prediction was way off the mark and I’m not happy.

Next time around the devil gets his/her due, jobs go nutty, Jack Ryan is recruited and everyone rides along. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!

Doug Norrie

Doug began writing for CinemaBlend back when Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles actually existed. Since then he's been writing This Rotten Week, predicting RottenTomatoes scores for movies you don't even remember for the better part of a decade. He can be found re-watching The Office for the infinity time.