This Rotten Week: Predicting Resident Evil: Retribution Reviews
A slow, post Labor Day, week in the cinematic world. Things will pick up for the fall, but not quite yet. So for now let’s just talk a little Alice fighting that pesky Umbrella Corporation.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Resident Evil: Retribution
And now a conversation I hope takes place this week:
Maitre D of Ursawa (or Spago): Hello, how may I help you?
Paul W.S. Anderson: Hello, this is Paul Anderson, Hollywood director, table for two please.
Maitre D: Of course Mr. Anderson. Big week for you sir.
Paul W.S. Anderson: You betcha. New movie coming out. Highly anticipated.
Maitre D: Oh yes sir. Tons of buzz. It looks fantastic, possibly transcendent.
Paul W.S. Anderson: Wow, thank you for saying so. We are excited.
Maitre D: And by the way, I loved Magnolia and There Will Be Blood. Absolutely brilliant.
Paul W.S. Anderson: Um, yeah well...Have you heard of Resident...
Maitre D: And who can forget Boogie Nights?
Paul W.S. Anderson: Well see the thing about that is...
Maitre D: It would be an honor to have such a generational and influential director come dine with us. We are looking forward to it.
Paul W.S. Anderson: Uh, yeah, okay. That sounds great.
Maitre D: Thank you sir. Have a great day. (Hangs up)
Paul W.S. Anderson: Looks down at phone and sighs
All kidding, sort of, aside it must be interesting being Paul W.S. Anderson operating in Hollywood. With his poo-poo platter of a film resume including flicks like The Three Musketeers (26%), Resident Evil: Afterlife (24%) and Death Race (43%) his career stands in fairly strong juxtaposition to his similarly named counterpart in the industry (Who just happens to have a “Film of the Year” coming out the same week). And though the Resident Evil franchise has made everyone involved very, very rich. Hell, every couple of years, in early September, we are treated to another film in the series. Along with Afterlife, there’s been Extinction (22%), Apocalypse (21%) and the original Resident Evil (34%). See a critical theme developing? No one ever expects these movies to win any kind of festival award or even be talked about outside of certain circles, and I suppose in the grand scheme of things that’s fine. They have their niche appeal and critics aren’t in that niche.
So what can we expect from the “other” Paul Anderson movie coming out this week? Not a whole lot. The Resident Evil movies are what they are. The Umbrella Corporation is what it is. Milla Jovovich keeps a steady supply of cash coming into her bank account (work is work right?) and I’ll add a nice prediction to my resume. This one’s easy. The Rotten Watch for Resident Evil: Retribution is
Will Resident Evil: Retribution do well with critics?
Recapping last week:
First off, The Words (Predicted: 38% Actual: 16%). Wow did this thing just free fall as the week went on. When I posted last week’s column there are five reviews, two of which were positive. Since then? Well you see what happened. Just about everyone thought it vastly underperformed. Many of the reviews found at least something a little positive (meaning reviewers didn’t just bag on it endlessly which a 16% would suggest), but when it came time to mark thumbs up or thumbs down you see how it went.
Meanwhile, The Cold Light of Day (Predicted: 15% Actual: 10%) is a win for the Rotten Watch. Tough to believe a movie with this cast could tank so epically, but it happens. We’ll take it as a win even if the studio realized a bomb when they had it.
Next week we’re packed with masked judges, renegade cops, haunted houses and baseball scouts. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
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