Scarlett Johansson may play Marilyn Monroe. It’s such a “no duh” casting decision that it’s a little hard to believe it’s true, particularly since it’s being reported by tabloid The Daily Mail. And of course too good to be true is exactly what it is.

Though they say she’s being “lined up” for the role they go on to qualify their grand casting proclamations by adding that she’s simply at the top of a list of actresses being considered for the part by a director no one has ever heard of, named Simon Curtis. This is sort of like me sitting in my office and using Excel to create a list of actresses I’d most like to sleep with, and then issuing a press release saying that Anne Hathaway is in my bedroom. So what about it Anne? I’ll send a limo.

Should the movie at some point actually exist, it’ll be called My Week With Marilyn and be based on the diary of someone named Colin Clark, an employee of Laurence Olivier who was put in charge of keeping an eye on Marilyn while in London during 1957. It’s kind of like Get Him To The Greek. Please, please, please don’t let Jonah Hill make out with ScarJo. Love you Jonah, but that would be gross. I’d have to take her replace her in my desktop wallpaper rotation.

The DM story also touts Kate Hudson, Amy Adams, and Michelle Williams as being on Simon’s mystery list, all of whom would be horrible. No offense Kate Hudson, but before you can play Marilyn Monroe you’ll have to get implants and maybe a personality (Can they implant those too?). Scarlett at least has the physical build to pull it off, and in some ways even a similar acting style. Both she and Marilyn seem to regard acting as blank eyed stares at the camera. Maybe ScarJo lacks the voice, but she can work on it. Assuming of course, this were actually happening, which it isn’t.