Nothing gets your show started off on the right foot like having Randy Quaid give a testimonial. The Twelfth Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards were tonight and frankly, I’m not sure if anybody cares. I’m sitting here all alone typing as fast as presenters can deliver their corny lines. A fellow writer, Rafe Telsch, recommended that I skip this boring broadcast and just get the highlights from another site. Please, I’m a man of integrity. I would never do such a thing. My high standard of reporting has nothing to do with the fact that Rafe’s advice didn’t come until the show was about over. Dammit, where were you two hours ago?

Crash won for Best Ensemble Cast, the SAG equivalent of Best Picture. I was quite proud that Crash took this home and not a movie riding on the laurels of political activism. Now if somebody in the Screen Actors Guild can explain to me how Desperate Housewives beat out Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and My Name is Earl, I would be most happy.

The winners are:

Television

Outstanding Female Actor in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh-Grey’s Anatomy

Outstanding Male Actor in a Drama Series
Kiefer Sutherland-24

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
The cast of Lost

Outstanding Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Felicity Huffman-Desperate Housewives

Outstanding Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Sean HayesWill and Grace

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Cast of Desperate Housewives

Outstanding Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
S. Epatha Merkerson-Lackawanna Blues

Outstanding Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Paul Newman-Empire Falls

Motion Pictures

Outstanding Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Rachel Weisz-The Constant Gardener

Outstanding Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Paul Giamatti-Cinderella Man

Outstanding Female Actor in a Leading Role
Reese Witherspoon-Walk the Line

Outstanding Male Actor in a Leading Role
Phillip Seymour Hoffman-Capote

Outstanding Ensemble Cast in a Motion Picture
The Cast of Crash

Life Achievement Award
Shirley Temple Black