My life would be a lot easier of Sean Penn wasn’t such a deuche bag. Or if he’s going to be a deuche bag, it’d really help if he’d be less talented. As it is, Hollywood’s most talented actor is a huge deuche bag and convincing anyone to see his movies is kind of like fighting a grizzly bear. “Oh man you should see Milk! Sean Penn is amazing in it,” I’ll say. “Sean Penn,” says a friend. “Fuck that guy, he’s an asshole. I hate Sean Penn.” “Yeah I know he’s a dick,” I’ll plead, “but he’s an awesome actor!” “No thanks,” responds my friend before walking away to tell everyone that I’m a Sean Penn fan and therefore also a jerkwad.

Seriously Sean get a sense of humor, do what Tom Cruise did and get in on the next Tropic Thunder equivalent. Maybe this Three Stooges movie you’re doing with the Farrelly’s will finally rehabilitate you in the eyes of public opinion. It’ll make it a lot easier for me to be openly excited about your next project, This Must Be the Place, in which according to Variety you’ll play a wealthy, Nazi-hunting rock star. The movie will follow Penn’s rocker character as he sets off in search of the ex-Nazi war criminal who executed his father, hiding in the United States.