The first trailer for Solomon Kane is out there… somewhere. I know where, I’ve seen it, and it’s glorious. Only I’m not allowed to tell you where I saw it or how you, yourself can get a good look at it. If I tell you where to find it tonight, I’ll wake up to a cease and desist order in the morning. I can tell you that everyone will be allowed to see it in roughly 48 hours and I can tell you that it’s utterly awesome and worth the wait.

Except this is the internet, where only suckers and sycophants wait. I don’t have a team of AOL lawyers backing me up, so I can’t bring you the fantastic domestic trailer for Solomon Kane, but luckily there is another one.

The Russian trailer for Solomon Kane has appeared online and it’s much the same as the domestic one I’m not allowed to tell you about. The big difference is that, of course, it’s dubbed in Russian. So you have a choice. Wait 48 hours or watch the real deal right now, and attempt your own translation. Make your choice. While you think, here’s the Russian version, followed by amazing, high-res screencaps. Admit it, you’re going to look.

Kane was created by pulp-era author Robert E. Howard, the mind behind Conan the Barbarian. The movie follows the origin of Solomon Kane, who works as a mercenary for Queen Elizabeth I. When Solomon finds out that his soul is pretty much damned if he keeps living the way he’s living, he decides to settle down, live a life of peace. There wouldn’t be a movie if he stayed like that though and eventually, he finds that living a life of peace isn’t easy when you have creepy monsters and witches are trying to kill you.

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