The Decade: 10 Films Will Wishes Had Never Been Made
Starting this week and moving through the end of the year, the CB Staff will be counting down some of our fondest movie memories of the last decade, as well as some experiences we'd just as soon forget. Later we'll get into the serious stuff, the Best Of and all that, but now we're starting with some of the more oddball categories we came up with. Stay tuned for more where this came from.
I wouldn’t say that this list is my top ten most hated films of the decade, though some of them would certainly make that list. Some films wound up on this list simply because they were so heart-breakingly disappointing that it would just be easier to move on if they just didn’t exist at all. Movies I wanted badly to love but walked away from feeling as if I had just been broken up with by the girl of my dreams. So without further ado, I present my “Top 10 Films I Wish Had Never Been Made.”
After seeing I Heart Huckabees I knew what it felt like to be a Civil War single-shot musket. For two solid hours the movie jams existentialism down your throat with a wrought iron packing rod and once it makes one point it just starts packing in the next. You’ll see many familiar faces, but the film's one saving grace, Mark Wahlberg, is scarcely enough to make up for the meandering schlock that made up the rest of the run time. The one positive thing to come out of the film is the behind the scenes battle between Lily Tomlin and director David O. Russell. The film itself is mind numbing, and although I do realize that maybe I just don’t get it, you couldn’t pay me enough to force me to give this another shot.
I absolutely love the world of Harry Potter to the point of fanaticism. I have been to midnight book releases, I’ve seen every movie on opening night, and I’m not averse to the idea of dressing up to commemorate new releases, although I have yet to do so. So why is Half-Blood Prince a film I wish had never been made? Because it finally changed so much of the story that it became a problem. 4 and 5 took their liberties, but I generally accepted the changes in favor of a still solid film. But when I saw the ending of 6, I literally felt my soul leave my body, never to return from the land of the undead. Until that point I had lived with the dreadfully fast pacing, lack of any and all character development, and complete removal of Tom Riddle’s family story line, but the ending was the final straw. It’s the most disappointed I’ve ever felt, and although I tried to give it another shot, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince remains one of the most devastating films I’ve ever seen.
I’m convinced that someday people will realize that the VAST majority of this “movie” isn’t funny. There’s maybe 30 minutes of good quality material stretched very thinly over two hours and the filler is straight up unbearable to sit through. I really enjoy all of Sacha Baron Cohen’s characters on Da Ali G Show but they only work in small doses. If this movie were wiped from existence it would save my sanity by forever ridding the world of the stupid Borat accent that everyone thinks they can do. Hopefully this little blurb won’t spark people back into saying,“VE’Y NICE!” in the worst Kazakhstan accent you’ll ever hear. I’ve had enough, college fools who think this is the most hilarious film ever. So give it up.
This movie redefines boring. Factory Girl is about Andy Warhol and the subject of his weird affections, Edie Sedgwick. Sure you know the names, but not once during the entirety of the film do you find yourself giving one iota of a shit about any one person in this piece. Guy Pierce and Sienna Miller play their characters well, but the characters go nowhere. The worst part is that you spend most of the time hating Warhol with every fiber of your being. Seeing him get punched in the face would have been the ultimate reward for sitting through such a long look into the depths of human boredom. Sadly there’s no such luck, and the only punch is the one you took to your wallet to get into the movie. Ripped off!
I’m including this in a very late attempt to cut off the relentless flow of Movie movies at the source. Yes, the first few Scary Movie films are very funny, but I would sacrifice every laugh I’ve ever gotten out of them in order to ensure myself that I’d never have to endure another Meet the Spartans or Dance Flick. The one forgotten exception is Superhero Movie which could have potentially turned the genre around had people actually bothered to go see it. But the bad press currently surrounding these spoof movies was enough to kill that one before it even got off the ground.
Sometimes really shitty movies have a redeeming factor of being so bad they are funny. Unfortunately this is not the case with White Chicks. Not only does every joke fall flat on its face, but you’re subjected to an hour and a half of Marlon and Damon Wayans wearing some of the worst make up you’ll ever see. Possibly I should have put a scene from this on my “Scariest Scenes” list because the two of them will surely haunt your nightmares.
Almost as big a disappointment as Half-Blood Prince, Spider-Man 3 failed to break itself free of the “the third one always sucks” law of filmmaking. Sam Raimi had previously crafted two of my favorite superhero movies and three of my favorite horror films so expectations were running pretty high, but the sad truth of it is too many villains and studio interference sank what should have been the best in the series. The iconic Spider-Man villain Venom is officially ruined, and although there’s talk of a spin-off about the character, all future interactions with the webbed avenger have been crushed. I have one question: Who at the studio saw the emo hair dance scene and said, “Yes, this is totally OK?” There’s a special brand of bullets for people like that.
I know this movie came out in 1999, but it is the source of two other movies I wish were never made so it only makes sense to start here. There’s one thing that could have been taken out of this film to make it more bearable, and it’s not who you’re thinking. Two words: Jake. Lloyd. Jake Lloyd played young Anakin and was about as bad an actor as they could have ever hoped to find. Stand him next to the infamous Jar-Jar Binks and you’ve created a category 5 hurricane of annoying from which there is no escape. Every time either one of them opened their mouth I gladly would have taken a punch to the face to distract me from just how bad their lines were. George Lucas, your concepts are cool, but you should never write or direct ever again.
In this world of Daniel Craig ass-kickery, it’s easy to just forget that before he took over as Bond, possibly the worst film in the spy’s history was released. Die Another Day marked the end of the Pierce Brosnan Bond era, which started with the supremely awesome Goldeneye and was all downhill from there. I can’t blame Brosnan though; he did the job, and it was Halle Berry who sank the ship. How this woman ever wound up with an Oscar is beyond me. Die Another Day was a simple action movie that lacked any sort of charm that characterizes the James Bond franchise. It was relentless gadget porn that deserves to be erased from the annals of film history.
This is another movie, like Borat, that I pray people will one day realize just is not worth a damn. It’s not very funny save for maybe once or twice, and there’s absolutely no story to speak of. I hadn’t even heard of this film until an endless cult of my friends kept mobbing me and saying, “OMG Napoleon Dynamite is the funniest movie evar! LOZL!” Spoiler Alert: It’s not. I would do godless, unsavory things if it would mean I could live the rest of my life without hearing anyone say, “GOD! You’re such an idiot,” even one more time. If you are near me and are considering spitting out some not-funny quote in your worst Napoleon voice, please save me the trouble and just smack me. It’d be a more enjoyable experience for me.
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