12/21 – 12/25 The Christmas holidays are here, and with them the usual flood of irrelevant movies vying for your attention. The big players are already out, and this week is mostly leftovers. With movies like this, it’s no wonder Hollywood’s box office totals are struggling. One of the oddest things about this year’s group of Christmas releases is that a lot of them are opening on Sunday. It’s a strange release date choice. Granted, Sunday is Christmas day, but a lot of people are off work starting on Thursday. Opening Wednesday makes more sense. Here’s our look at everything opening new in theaters for the rest of the year. Find out where you should spend your movie money.

Expanding
Before we get to the new releases, we’ve got to wade our way past the list of formerly limited release prostituting themselves to you by expanding over the holiday season. Brokeback Mountain, the desperate liberal’s rallying cry alternative to Chronicles of Narnia expands a little further to 120 theaters. That means it should start showing up in America’s heartland. It’ll be interesting to see how non-coastal audiences respond to the well done gay romance flick. Also expanding slightly is Mrs. Henderson Presents and Transamerica, widening into 56 and 23 theaters respectively.

Blasting out to a much bigger audience is Memoirs of a Geisha. Memoirs hits 1400 theaters this Friday, but it’s not getting the kind of good buzz many expected. Also vying for your attention is The Producers, singing and dancing into over 1000 theaters but not until Christmas day. Nothing says Christmas like Springtime for Hitler.

Misc. Limited Releases (Opening in fewer than 500 theaters.)
Heath Ledger will try to counteract Brokeback Mountain with overt heterosexuality in the movie Casanova. It’s the week’s most interested new limited release, appearing in 35 theaters on December 25th. What’s most interesting about it is the way they’ve timed its release opposite Brokeback. It’s a Heath Ledger overload at America’s arthouses. Less worth is The New World, one of the year’s most ponderous, boring, overrated movies. If you thought King Kong was long, wait till you see this. The actual running time is irrelevant; you’ll swear you’ve been sitting there for a year. Terrence Malick’s latest stinker arrives in 3 theaters on Sunday, and should be easy to avoid.

The Ringer (Opens in 1,600 theaters on 12/23.)
The Farrelly Brothers hiring Johnny Knoxville to make fun of retarded people might be funny in a sick, twisted, morally reprehensible way… but The Ringer has been endorsed by the Special Olympics. That has to mean that all the usual brutal humor you expect from Knoxville or the Farrelly’s has somehow been knocked out of the film. How is that even possible? It’s the story of a guy posing as a mentally handicapped athlete to rig the Special Olympics. It didn’t sound very funny when I thought they were making fun of retarded kids, it sounds even less funny if they’re not.

Fun with Dick and Jane (Opens in 3,000 theaters on 12/21.)
It’s getting exactly the kind of reviews you’d expect for a massively over-budget, long delayed, completely re-shot movie. The critical consensus is pretty bad. But Fun With Dick and Jane has Jim Carrey acting wacky, and that’ll no doubt get at least a few people in seats. When Carrey’s on his game he’s one of Hollywood’s most hilarious screen presences, sadly this may not be him at his best. Yes, the movie’s a remake, and the story of a couple of yuppies laid off from their high paying jobs and turning to a life of crime to continue supporting themselves in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed. The film’s most recent trailers have also tried to portray them as some sort of urban heroes, but it’s hard to tell if that’s actually a part of the movie or just a new marketing tactic. If you’re smart, you’ll never know because you won’t go see it.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (Opens in 3,000+ theaters on 12/21.)
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 represents everything that’s wrong about modern movies and Steve Martin’s career. It’s exactly the sort of movie that’s driving away theater going audiences. It’s evil, it’s movie paint by numbers, and I bet audiences are going to love it. Heck, even I had fun with it. I’m not proud of that. This is a film for idiots, which must make me an idiot because laughed and walked out forced to admit that I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s because Steve Martin’s still scary talented, even if he can’t pick good material. Maybe Adam Shankman is just a genius when it comes to manipulating audience emotion with worn out ideas. This is the kind of movie that critics are going to absolutely rip, but that will probably play pretty well to its family oriented audience in spite of that. Take your grandma and the kids if you don’t want to bother with something better and heavier.

Wolf Creek (Opens in 1,700 theaters on 12/25.)
Wolf Creek is getting almost resoundingly positive reviews, usually rare for a horror movie but not in this year of solid horror flicks. It’s a scary road pic, the story of three travelers in a remote area of Australia who accept help from a friendly local and end up in chilling danger. It’s supposed to be great, so why are they releasing it over Christmas? And not just near or around Christmas, but actually right on Christmas day. This isn’t the first time a studio has tried this with a horror flick, and it almost never works. Good reviews or not, I can’t see anyone going to see this. Have a holly, jolly Christmas; not a bloody, brain-splattered Christmas.

Rumor Has It… (Opens in 2,800 theaters on 12/25.)
I love the concept behind this one. Rumor Has It… stars Jennifer Anniston as the daughter of Mrs. Robinson. Yes, that Mrs. Robinson. Anniston’s character discovers that the Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft movie The Graduate is based on the real-life story of her grandmother. Kevin Costner plays the real-life equivalent of Dustin Hoffman’s character, and he’s not only had Anniston’s grandmother, but her mother too. Now, from the looks of things, he’s well on his way to having her as well. It’s a romantic comedy from Rob Reiner which ought to bode well if not for Rob’s recent, rather dismal track record. So far the movie’s getting pretty mediocre reviews, and the trailers haven’t exactly been eye catching. Still, Rumor Has It… might be worth giving a chance during your extended weekend.

Munich (Opens in 525 theaters on 12/23.)
Steven Spielberg steps away from aliens and flashy special effects to deliver a gritty, thoughtful, brutally honest picture and his best work since Saving Private Ryan. Munich is easily one of the year’s best, garnering rave reviews and awards nominations that’ll probably propel it towards at least a few Oscar nominations. It’s the story of a Mossad agent sent to hunt down and assassinate the terrorists responsible for the slayings of Israeli athletes during the 1972 Munich Olympics. You won’t see me throw this word around much, the only other time I’ve used it this year is with Crash… but in the times we live in, this is an important movie. Important, but not friendly. It’s not a fun piece of viewing, but rather a dark, thoughtful, heavy journey that’ll stick with you when it’s gone. Munich provides no answers, but through its story it tackles terrorism past and present from every angle, maybe in a way you’ve never seen it before. I’d forgotten this Steven Spielberg existed. Don’t miss his return.


Still in theaters and worth your time: King Kong, The Chronicles of Narnia, Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line