Do you know what people do when they hit rock bottom? When they're out of options? When they find themselves in their backyard, in a t-shirt, in the middle of winter getting pelted with tomatoes because they're convinced of some movie critic conspiracy out to get them? What do they do? They get help and go back for some more. That's what they do.
This week I took it out of my hands (or apparently small brain) and decided to start the healing process. First I talked to a professional gambler friend of mine. He's a master with these things called numbers. After some discussion, reflecting, more discussion, something called Microsoft Excel, research and pizza I have devised a Rotten Tomatoes algorithm that I'll put to use for this week's flicks. I've also enlisted Josh Tyler for his expertise, experience and shoulder to cry on. I created a support system and I'm determined to turn it all around. Let's take a look at this Rotten Week:
Alice in Wonderland
If this image doesn't give you nightmares then you need your head examined. It's not scary in a gory, Saw II, if I look for one more second I'll puke everywhere kind of way. Rather, it's disturbing because I know Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter would rather dress and look like this in real life than solely being able to do it in the movies.
I've never been the biggest Tim Burton fan. I know some people won't get that (akin to telling certain people from Jersey you think Springsteen is a hack. Try that sometime.) But I've never been drawn to his movies. I do though understand that others LOVE his product. There's no denying his movies garner a fair amount of critical acclaim. When he and Johnny D. are paired together the critics basically go gaga. (Meanwhile Tim and Johnny probably sit around a Ouija board wearing silk scarves and smoking celebratory peyote). Even acknowledging my non-love affair with TB I have to admit this movie looks pretty fantastic. Sure I overshot with Shutter Island (Marty and Leo) a few weeks ago using the “reuniting a winning team” mentality, but I don't study personal history. I'm a numbers guy now. Alice in Wonderland has a RottenWatch of 73%.
Warning: cliché cop drama description coming. (Taken from the movie website) “Burned-out veteran Eddie Dugan is just one week away from his pension and a fishing cabin in Connecticut. Narcotics officer Sal Procida has discovered there is no line he will not cross to provide a better life for his long-suffering wife and seven children. And Clarence "Tango" Butler has been undercover so long his loyalties..” ahhh f#$%ing screw it, never mind. Have we covered all the hackneyed B.S.? Retiring cop that will probably die right before he leaves? Check. Officer who is good but does bad things because he's walking some morally justifiable tightrope? Check. Undercover guy who's gone rogue and might've turned forever? Check. All we're missing is Stallone asking for an “unmarked and a sawed-off” to get the job done.
Ethan Hawke and Antoine Fuqua reunite again after Training Day to have another go at a story about cops all turned upside down and flipped right side out. Training Day worked because it came out of nowhere. I don't think it works a second time around. Too many storylines intersecting here and the plot appears to come out of the cop movie cookie cutter. RottenWatch is setting up at 36%. Lock it down.
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Let's, very quickly, recap last week. To quasi-quote Dave Eggers: I knew the mistakes I was making.
The Crazies: RottenWatch Prediction 40% | Actual 71% Cop Out: RottenWatch Prediction 50% | Actual 20%
A note here to everyone about to kill me on my predictions: The Cinema Blend faithful voted overwhelmingly that Cop Out would outperform The Crazies. Really, nobody saw this coming. 71%?!?!?! Are you kidding me? If you were one of the 2% of the population who predicted this final score, then kudos. Have no fear. OGPriffins pelted me with tomatoes. I make good on my promises. Now enjoy my misery:
Next week is a big one: Green Zone, She's Out of My League, Remember Me, Our Family Wedding, and at least one other. It's going to be a Rotten Week!