This Rotten Week: Predicting Fast Five, Dylan Dog, Hoodwinked And Prom Reviews
I don't know if it's the 50 degree weather or the constant rain outside deluging my basement, but man it's starting to feel like summer. And while the official summer movie season hasn't technically kicked off yet, we're starting to get treated with more and more popcorn films vying for your attention. Good thing the Rotten Watch is here to tell you exactly how to think about everything hitting screens. This week we've got Superman fighting werewolves, Disney trying to make the Prom relevant, an inane animated flick, Dom Toretta riding again, and I give the same prediction number for three of the four movies being released!
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer Let's see what This Rotten Week has to offer!
Much like Dom Toretto, I live my life a quarter mile at a time. And ever since I stopped working out consistently, those quarter miles are taking me about two and a half minutes at a labored jog. Getting old blows. Just ask guys like Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. Here are dudes, who at one time were a couple of go-to's for slightly above B-rated action flicks and an occasional serious role. Now? They quietly bide their time in between Fast and Furious (or xXx or Riddick) installments wondering how Shia LaBeouf manages to do schticky action and serious flicks side-by-side (or at least how they can get Shia's agent to call them back). And yet, with all the fun-poking heaped on Diesel and Walker (at least they're easy on the eyes) Fast Five isn't scoring half bad with critics. In fact, it's a downright critical darling.
This phenomenon of franchise installments greatly outscoring their predecessor is a trend happening in the critical world and I don't know if I like it. The latest flicks in the Twilight and Scream franchises smoked the ones before them. Could it be the movies in these seriesí are just getting better (unlikely). Or have dopey critics just been dumbed down by dim-witted on screen fare to the point that when a new movie in a franchise comes along and it isn't a steaming pile of garbage the critic is fooled into thinking its good. Akin to saying, "Holy s#$%, Walker and Diesel delivered lines like a couple of freshman acting school dropouts. But at least I didn't want to crush my head in the theater chair. Two thumbs up!!!" (Highly likely).
Put it this way: If Fast Five stays at its current Tomatometer setting it will outscore the next best FandF movie by more than twenty-five points (The Fast and the Furious - 52%). But yeah, it must be good. The Rotten Watch for Fast Five is 67%.
Why isn't Brandon Routh more famous? Why isn't he getting bigger movie roles and becoming a huge megastar? Why is he playing a monster detective in a movie whose only chance of any exposure is being relegated to the "campy" bin in the local video store (or online equivalent)? I don't get it. Routh is better than this. He's Superman!
Dylan Dog is just the kind of movie I hate predicting, because like other cheesy fare it is tough to know how the critics will walk into the theater. If they want camp, they'll probably like it. If they want an actual good movie, then there's no telling how low the score can go. Considering director Kevin Munroe has a resume that reads "Tasty Freeze Manager" (source needed) and TMNT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (34%), I'm not expecting much in the "actual good movie department." But that doesn't mean there aren't some laughs in here. The trailer had its share of one-liners, but the effects and costumes look abysmal and there doesn't seem to be anything particularly creative in the premise (snarky guy polices the underworld).
So Routh is stuck propagating the idea that he isn't a star (he might not be), but surely he deserves better than this. Although I suppose since his only starring role, Superman (76%), was as the Man of Steel, there's nowhere to go but down. The Rotten Watch for Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is 30%.
Here is by far the best thing I can say about the Prom trailer: It has The Naked and Famous playing in the background. And thatís about it. I mean Jesus Christ on a Crutch (Happy Easter!), it's a movie about the Prom. The Prom! What is this 1987? I'm a bit removed from high school but does any kid really get excited for this dance anymore? I suspect teenagers just use it a convenient excuse to get high on ludes and sneak shots of Jim Beam in the parking lot while wearing tuxedos. Even the kids in American Pie just used it as a convenient barometer for getting laid. The Prom! I'm beside myself over here.
Now, if this had been a horror movie (which I thought it was before watching the trailer and being disappointed when Aimee Teagarden didn't get her head sliced off) it'd at least be cinematically digestible. But instead itís about a bunch of full of promise (already tough to believe) teenagers sweating whether the hotties in school are going to ask them to the perceived transcendent moment in their high school existence. (Again, remember, this isn't reality. Kids don't give s#$% about this anymore. Believe me. Disney just didn't get the memo).
And then I see director Joe Nussbaum and his body of work and totally get why he thinks this flick might be a good idea. His best work was more than a decade ago with George Lucas in Love (78% but with a Star Wars theme) and followed up with Sleepover (15% about, you guessed it, a girl's slumber party that turns hilarious. Again, would have probably worked better as a horror flick).
But I guess I'm not the target audience for Prom. It's really for those eighth graders still doe-eyed for the magic that is high school. Believe me kids, a movie about actual high school would be a horror film plain and simple. The Rotten Watch for Prom is 30%.
Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil
I love when I see a movie title like this and instantly think, "Is this a sequel? Was there an original Hoodwinked? Is there a monetary number someone could offer that would make me see this pile of trash?" The answers to those questions are: yes, yes, $275 cash.
But at least they got Mike Disa on to direct. Now I'm sure you are asking, "Wait, do you mean Casper digital reference technician and Yo Yogi! assistant storyboard artist Mike Disa? No way they got him on board for this film!" Think again folks. Disa is back! (To be honest, I hope his work on this flick is at least enough to get him his own Wikipedia page. If someone out there makes one, can you cite this article? Disa! Disa! Disa!)
The original Hoodwinked (48%) was no great shakes and judging from the trailer for the sequel, the writing and story leave a great deal to be desired in the follow-up. The jokes are canned and obvious, the dialogue childish (not in a smart movie kind of way) and the story just stupid enough to not try and explain. But at least the title is idiotic. The Rotten Watch for Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil is 30%.
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Recapping last week:
Another decent week for the Rotten Watch as Water For Elephants (Predicted: 60% Actual: 52%) scores just slightly above the mediocrity line (just like the book!) and stays within the ten percent range equaling a win. Many commenters came to aid of Robert Pattinson and his perceived acting prowess. It's worth it to mention that Cedric Diggory roles aside, the guy has never had a movie score over 52%. Maybe that means something. Or maybe he's just dark and misunderstood.
Live action Lion King, I mean African Cats (Predicted: 82% Actual: 69%) was a bit off the mark with many critics feeling the movie was staged and the Sammy Jackson voiceover a tad annoying. Whatever. It's still Jules Winnfield talking about lions. That has to be cool.
And finally, for all the trashing I did on it, Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion (Predicted: 17% Actual: 31%) was able to score pretty high, for a Tyler Perry movie. I mean, it was no Why Did I Get Married (46%), but really what is?
Next week Thor, a groom jumps the broom, Thor, another rom-com invades our universe, and did I mention Thor? It's going to be a Rotten Week!
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