This Rotten Week: Predicting Grown Ups And Knight & Day Reviews
Going into Friday, after over 400 reviews, the Toy Story franchise had received exactly zero negative words. Not one critic had a bad thing to say about any of the first three installments of arguably the greatest animated movies of all time. (Probably not arguably, just actually.) How difficult is this feat? Consider this: in the Rotten Tomatoes “Best Of” there are 100 movies with more than 20 reviews that have received a critical consensus of 100%. Most of these are the classics The Godfather, Wizard of Oz, etc. and more recently documentaries like Man on Wire. But two of those movies are Toy Story and Toy Story 2. What's remarkable about their appearance on the list (Toy Story 2 especially) is the sheer number of reviews given to the movie. With the internet's far reach, far more opinions are tallied, making perfect critical consensus that much more difficult, almost impossible. Just think about how many movies have been made in the last 60 or so years and there twenty, in the history of movies, considered perfect. Toy Story and Toy Story 2 are 10% of the list.
Toy Story 3 began the weekend pitching a perfect game for the simple and easy fact, it is a beautiful movie. Josh said as much in his review. And he was joined by a chorus of others extolling the virtues and perfection of a movie about love and friendship and all things good.
Unfortunately, the world is a cruel place with more than a smattering of uber-douchebags who, because they are given a voice, feel the need to remind us they are better, superior and ultimately douchier than those of us with little things called hearts. One of these guys is Armond Smith of the New York Press (one of two critics out of almost 150) who gave Toy Story 3 a negative review.
I was prepared for this. I knew the Toy Story story was too good to be true. And maybe I jinxed it last week when I predicted a 100% critical consensus for the movie. Cynically, I waited for the 99% consensus to show up. And Friday it did. Armond White's review of the movie is more a glorification of his own egotistical view of his perceived intelligence than it is a review of a movie. I won't even give the link because I don't want to give him any more publicity than he deserves, but check out his Rotten Tomatoes track record. This is a guy who simply doesn't get it. And by “it” I mean life.
Is it overboard to get upset over a movie review? Possibly. But White's review is more than words on a computer screen. Armond White seems like the kind of guy in the back of the room who laughs when someone makes a mistake. Who fries ants with a magnifying glass. Who thinks babies are annoying. He hates giving to poor people because “they'll just spend it on drugs.” Who wakes up every morning waiting for rain. Who drives slowly in the left lane. Who gives shitty tips. Who tattles on his coworkers to his boss. Who dislikes movies everyone else loves. Why? Because he can.
Let's take a look at what this Rotten Week has to offer.
Recapping last week: I think you got the point about Toy Story 3. Meanwhile, Jonah Hex was predictably bad, but was even more terrible than I expected (Predicted 39%, Actual 15%). I thought as much, yet had trouble pulling the trigger on such a low score. I'm trying to learn my lesson with the Grown Ups prediction.
Next week, we will bend some air for the last time and watch a bunch of heartthrob vampires and werewolves brood deeply on screen. It's going to be a Rotten Week!
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