This week's lineup of movies helps usher in the greatest holiday weekend of the year. We get some turkey, burlesque dancing, football, The Rock, stuffing, stiffy drugs, cranberry sauce, and Rapunzel. Man does anything beat Turkey day weekend? Plus, you get a bonus Rotten Week Fun Fact for each movie writeup. It's my Thanksgiving gift to you. Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies. Just figuring out where they'll end up on the Tomatometer.
Here's what this Rotten Thanksgiving Week has to offer.
When I mentioned Faster, Mrs. Rotten Week was more than happy to weigh in on Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock" Johnson's new movie. *** Actually, mostly she just said things like, "There's a bunch of kids in it, right?" "Is he dressed like the Tooth Fairy?" "The Rock's like a cartoon version of Vin Diesel." Oh Dwayne, you've lost the "Happily married and not at all bitter" women's vote.
*** Rotten Week Fun Fact - Mrs. RW has seen about 15 movies in her life. When asked to name the memorable flicks of her childhood, the titles weren't limited to, but mostly included this, oh and this, and finally this this little number. I wish I was kidding.
It's difficult to imagine Faster as anything but mediocre. Mr. Johnson doesn't do the movie any favors with a resume sporting such masterpieces as The Tooth Fairy (17%), Race to Witch Mountain (42%), and The Game Plan (27%). Then you have director George Tillman Jr. bringing Notorious (50%) and Men of Honor (41%) to the table. Although, at least Tillman's movies tried to be good. They just were just missing a certain je ne sais quoi (good story-telling). In the end, Faster gets above average scores, but nothing spectacular. The Rotten Watch for Faster is 55%.
In the history of the human race, where do you think Viagra falls in the pantheon of "Accomplishments that Run Directly Opposite to Accepted Darwinistic Theories on Evolutionary Development?" I think it's right below the driver-side airbag and slightly above Brita filters. Do we need it? No. Does it help? For sure.
Because of the penis pill we get Love and Other Drugs, starring Dreamy Gyllenhaal and Pasty Hathaway***: based on the book "Hard Sell: the Evolution of a Viagra Salesman". I assume the pun is intended.
*** Rotten Week Fun Fact: Anne Hathaway and I attended the same summer camp in New Jersey. Not in the same camping group. If that was the case I would have most definitely be Doug Hathaway right now. I follow the talent.
Edward Zwick (Blood Diamond - 62%, The Last Samurai - 65%) directs this tale of a boner drug salesman looking for love. Is it a bad sign Zwick's last successful foray into the comedy-drama field was almost 25 years ago with About Last Night? Probably. These are different times but at least hairstyles have progressed significantly since then. And although Gyllenhaal and Hathaway are accomplished, it's hard for actors and actresses to make up for an inferior product. From early reviews, Zwick may have bit off more than he can chew. Dumb, dick pun intended.
Friends and loved ones of mine know certain truths about the Dougster. I am obsessed with sports but can't stand hockey. Want to get places fast, but despise flying. And I love music but f#$%ing hate musicals. Like cannot stand them, try to mute them on the first note, cringe when characters start singing and generally think they're stupid. So, no, Burlesque isn't on my "must watch" list.
*** Rotten Week Fun Fact: I almost fist fought my best friend because I refused to see Moulin Rouge on account of all the singing. Needless to say, I don't run with a tough crowd.
There are more than a few things about Burlesque that make the whole affair just a little crazy. Christina Aguilera shrieks her way on to the big screen in her first lead. Cher isn't dead yet (even if she looks it). And director Steve Antin has a short, but unbelievably fascinating career bio you can read right here. I can't even imagine what being on the set was like.
This movie is campy and scoring camp movies isn't easy. Will critics get it? Will they think the whole venture is a waste of time? I never get these right. See: Piranhas: 3D. The Rotten Watch for Burlesque is 64%.
Well, I guess Tangled is awesome. There hasn't been a bad review yet. Is it any surprise? Slighty. Walt Disney Animation Studios has been a tale of two movie makers over the last couple of years. Their most recent offerings have been nothing short of awesome in The Princess and the Frog*** (84%), Bolt (89%), and Meet the Robinsons (66%). But we don't need to look too far back to find crap like Chicken Little (36%) and relative crap Home on the Range (54%).
Tangled is keeping up with the recent trend of Disney movies actually having a story to tell. That's a good thing. Often animated movies feel they just need the most popular voices on board and that's about it. Not Tangled. They got Mandy Moore and the guy from Chuck. Not exactly Will Ferrell and Brad Pitt, but who cares?
*** Rotten Week Fun Fact: I usually don't give a crap, but besides Armond White, Richard Corliss from Time is my least favorite movie critic. Corliss voted Princess and the Frog his best movie of 2009. For some reason that just bothers me.
Will it stay at 100? Of course not. Will Tangled be among the top Tomatometer scores of the year? Watch out Social Network. The Rotten Watch for Tangledis 93%.
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Of course we all knew Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One (Predicted 80%, Actual 79%) would finish right there. You knew that right? It was an easy one. Harry Potter is nothing if not consistently awesome. Katey thought so. Josh not as much. Oh well, I guess Potterbabble gets to you at some point.
Meanwhile, The Next Three Days (Predicted 46%, Actual 41%) was another Rotten Watch victory. Tomatometer expertise is just getting easier and easier. On that note, my last Fun Rotten Week Fact: While flipping through Verizon's OnDemand listings, looking for a movie to waste the day away with, I came across Push. I asked Mrs. Rotten Week to look up the Tomatometer Score to see if it might be worth the watch. She told me to guess the number. Without hesitation, I guessed, "23%." Read it and weep suckers.
Next time we'll come off a turkey hangover with a warrior hanging out in a western for The Warrior's Way. It's going to be a Rotten Week!