At what point do you think Rotten Tomatoes will just hire the Rotten Watch to take over their site? Right now they probably have a whole team of programmers, writers, and researchers compiling critical consensus, editing blurbs, and crunching numbers to spew out a TomatoMeter score for each movie. They could downsize quickly to just me. I'm getting so close on the scores each week, it'd probably just make their lives easier. So there you go Rotten Tomatoes. That's my cover letter (resume at bottom).
This week, demons are back for some haunting while another clueless family tries to get them on video. Haven't we learned anything from movies? Demons hate to be filmed!
Paranormal Activity 2|
Hollywood can't leave well enough alone. They are physically unable to just say, "You know what? This movie was so unique and simple the first time around, let's leave it be and try to come up with the next groundbreaking idea in cinema." Nah, that'd require actual thought or work or creativity. Instead Hollywood execs sleep like really rich babies ** at night when they say, "This movie worked so great the first time, let's roll it back for some more cash!!!"
** Who came up with the term "sleep like a baby?" Now it obviously implies a restful, deep slumber. But actually sleeping like a baby would mean lying on your back with no blanket, getting up every hour screaming, sh$tting your pants, having the slightest movement startle you awake, and keeping everyone else in the house up for all hours of the night. We need to come up with something else. I nominate, "Slept like I had 2 Ambiens and a box of wine."
In the original Paranormal Activity (82%), Katie was followed, and ultimately possessed by a demon. Lucky for us her husband caught the whole thing on tape before meeting his demise. Now, she's back in the sequel tormenting her family with the same kind of crap that haunted her own house. Isn't that just classic bully behavior? Makes me sick. So what does her family do? Record it obviously. That course of action worked out so well for Micah in the original, it makes sense to turn the cameras on and see what's happening at night.
Director Tod Williams (The Door in the Floor- 66%) takes over for Oren Peli (he's on as a producer) to helm the sequel. While I don't think the second installment will be a total disaster, it's folly to assume it will be anything close to the first movie. This is especially true when you consider that the first worked so well because of its deviation from traditional form. Really scary movies jump out at you, but here we kind of see it coming. The Rotten Watch for Paranormal Activity 2 is 32%.
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Recapping last week:
You're probably saying to yourself, "Doug, teach me your ways. How is your finger so connected to the pulse of the critic?" I wish I could school you in the art of the Tomatometer, but alas it's more of a feel thing. And I'm feeling damn good. Last week
saw the Rotten Watch go three-for-three with the predictions. Red
(Predicted 72%, Actual 70%) was pretty much a bullseye. And from early reports people actually went out and saw the movie. Color me shocked.
Meanwhile, Jackass 3D
(Predicted 59%, Actual 65%) and Hereafter
(Predicted 63%, Actual 57%) were right in range. That's a nice little week for the Rotten Watch and it continues a hot streak over the last month or so. During that time, outside of Wes Craven screwing me with My Soul to Take
, the Rotten Watch has predicted eight movies. I have been within an average of 3.9% for those eight flicks. So watch out Rotten Tomatoes. Your days are numbered. People only need to read This Rotten Week.
Takes a bow and tells you that next week the fright continues with a final Saw
installment (thank god). It's going to be a Rotten Week!